


What's more sad?

by oldwiseeyes



Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Accident, Alcohol/Drinking, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Closeted Character, Cuddling, Drug Use, Flashbacks, M/M, Memory Loss, Oral Sex, Possessive Behavior, Unhealthy Relationships, Weird family dynamics, car crash, non graphic descriptions of injury, probably accidental tense changes, questionable relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2018-12-12 10:05:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11734809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oldwiseeyes/pseuds/oldwiseeyes
Summary: What's more sad? The fact that Deran can't have a normal and loving relationship, or the fact that Adrian just accepts what he gets?A (hopefully) multichapter fic looking at Adrian and Deran's relationship, including how they met and how their relationship started. Plenty of angst (as I apparently like it) and some fluff. A little bit.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The flashbacks are separated by dividers.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy and if there are any massive spelling/grammar mistakes please do point them out :)

The thing about Adrian is that no matter how many times he tells himself this is not what he wants, he never does anything about it. He doesn’t want a relationship where he had to hide behind closed doors, and in darkened cars, he doesn’t want the relationship he has to not be acknowledged by the man he’s with, he doesn’t want to be beaten up by that same man, for fear of discovery…but he does want Deran, and therein lies the problem. 

Adrian met Deran when he was just shy of seventeen, and Deran a year his junior. He had been surfing at the spot he had recently adopted when he was almost knocked off his board by a flash of navy blue wetsuit and blond hair.

* * *

‘Hey!’ Adrian yelled, gripping the sides of his board. ‘Watch where you’re going, man.’ The other boy ignored his comments and Adrian brushed it off. Jackass. 

It was only a short time later, when the same thing happened; this time, Adrian was ready. He launched himself off his own board and reached his arms around his opponent’s waist, tackling him down off of his board too, and into the surf.

The two grappled with each other beneath the waves, until they both surfaced, spluttering, and each with a handful of the others wetsuit.

‘What the fuck, man?’ The blond boy asked, spitting seawater out to his right. 

‘What the hell do you mean?’ Adrian retorted. ‘You were the one that was cutting me off!’ The blond boy snorted and rolled his eyes. 

‘Not my fault you can’t surf.’ He said arrogantly, pulling his hand off of Adrian’s collar to run it through his hair. 

‘The fuck I can’t.’ Adrian scowled, still treading water. 

‘You wanna prove that to me?’ The blond replied, his lips twitching up and his eyes narrowing. Adrian’s own eyes narrowed, and tracked the curve of the other boy’s lips. 

‘Sure,’ He said. ‘Name’s Adrian.’

‘Deran.’

* * *

Whatever he did, Adrian always found a way to ignore it, or sometimes even forgive it; he made excuses for Deran more than he did for himself. Perhaps that was why, when Deran barged into his house, he didn’t protest and instead asked:

‘Are you okay?’

Adrian took in Deran’s flushed cheeks, and the way his eyes were just every so slightly red rimmed. He took in his rumpled shirt and the mismatched socks on his feet. 

Instead of saying anything, Deran strode over towards Adrian, pushed his back against his kitchen counter and kissed him fiercely. Kisses with Deran were rarely, if ever, gentle; they were usually hard and heated, almost aggressive. Teeth biting his lip brought Adrian back to the present and he opened his lips, allowing Deran’s tongue to enter. 

Adrian cursed as he felt himself growing hard. He had planned for this morning to be easy and relaxed; he had got up early and gone for a run, then showered and had been in the process of making breakfast when Deran had arrived. Fuck. 

Deran brought their hips closer together and gave a grunt as he was rewarded with beautiful friction. Adrian huffed out a breath as Deran moved his lips to Adrian’s neck, the wet heat sending bolts of pleasure down his spine. Deran knew that was Adrian’s weak point.

‘Deran, I-‘ Adrian began, trying to find the correct words as Deran’s lips trailed lower to the top hem of his vest, sucking a deep bruise onto his skin. 

Deran caught his eye and Adrian found himself near powerless to continue his thought; Deran’s eyes were narrowed, but his pupils were blown wide. Shit. Deran brought one hand between them and cupped Adrian through his shorts. Adrian smothered a moan. Deran seemed to have caught on anyway, as his lips twitched into a predatory grin and he hiked Adrian’s vest over his head vigorously, Adrian lifting his arms to help automatically. 

‘Fuck, Adrian.’ Deran grunted, bringing their hips together, and then sealing his lips to Adrian’s. 

Adrian broke away and looked over Deran. His lips were red and swollen and his eyes were half closed, his breath coming out heavily. He would be lying if he said he didn’t want this. Pushing aside his earlier thoughts, Adrian tugged Deran’s own top upwards and pulled him towards his bedroom, throwing Deran’s t-shirt on the floor as he went. 

Once they were inside the bedroom, Deran pushed Adrian backwards until his calves hit the bed and he fell onto the mattress. Deran undid his belt and knelt over him, Adrian resting on his elbows. 

Deran gave Adrian a swift look before he moved down onto the floor and knelt between Adrian’s legs, and began unzipping his shorts. Adrian felt his stomach curl deliciously. This was something Deran did rarely, but damn was he good. 

Adrian lifted his hips so Deran could pulls his shorts and briefs down his legs, leaving them mid-thigh, where they cut into his skin. Deran took Adrian’s cock in hand and stroked it a couple of times loosely, before placing his lips around the head and swirling his tongue over Adrian’s slit. 

‘Fuck.’ Adrian muttered, letting his head hang back and squeezing his eyes shut. Deran ran his tongue along the underside of his cock, taking more of it into his mouth, while his hand played with Adrian’s balls. 

Adrian brought his head up and looked down at Deran and wished he hadn’t. Deran looked near perfect; his blond hair was tucked behind his ears and his lips were stretched obscenely around Adrian’s cock. His cheeks were flushed and his eyelashes were fanned out upon them as he bobbed his head. It almost made Adrian finish just to look at him. Jesus Christ, he was acting like a teenager. 

‘Deran?’ Adrian got out, swallowing another groan. Deran hummed around his cock and looked up at him, blue eyes wide, with pupils still lust-blown. ‘Ah, fuck! I, hang on, I…’ Adrian said, chest heaving and balls tightening. 

Deran’s hand clamped around the base of Adrian’s cock, and he looked up at him with a devilish grin. 

‘Not yet.’ He muttered, pushing Adrian down onto the bed. Deran knelt on the mattress again and mouthed possessively along Adrian’s jaw.

‘You gonna fuck me?’ Adrian asked, almost blushing at how desperate he sounded as the words tumbled easily from his mouth. Deran didn’t answer, just manhandled Adrian onto his stomach.

Adrian head the sound of his bedside drawer opening, the familiar pop of a cap, and then the wet sound of Daren warming lube between his hands. Placing a slightly wet hand on Adrian’s lower back, Deran traced his index finger across Adrian’s hole. Adrian widened his legs without thinking and Deran’s breathing grew louder behind him before he inserted his finger slowly. 

Adrian bit down on his arm as Deran probed around inside him, searching. He made a pleased noise when Adrian’s hips jerked forward into the mattress. Deran continued to run his finger over the same bundle of nerves until Adrian was groaning loudly and unrestrained, before adding a second finger. Deran separated his fingers to stretch Adrian open, greedy eyes pouring over the body below him. Before long, he was adding a third finger and Adrian was near breaking point.

‘Deran,’ He gasped, pushing back onto the fingers inside him. ‘I swear to God, if you don’t-‘ He broke off as Deran removed all of his fingers and slicked up his own cock, before positioning himself at Adrian’s entrance. 

Deran pushed in slowly and pulled Adrian up onto his knees. Adrian’s arms felt weak as he lent his weight forward onto them. He whimpered as Deran pulled half out before sinking back in. 

‘D-Deran?’ He pleaded, the agonizingly slow pace torturous. Deran placed a firm hand on the junction between his shoulder and neck and massaged the quivering muscle gently. 

Adrian slowly felt himself relax, and he reached a hand between his own legs to fist his cock loosely. Deran yanked his hand away with a grunt. 

‘Not yet.’ He simply said, pumping in and out slowly. Adrian frowned but wasn’t put off. Deran rarely went in for anything more complicated that a simple fuck, hand-job or the occasional bit of oral sex; anything else, Adrian presumed, seemed too thought out for him, too planned in a way that acknowledged what he was doing too sharply. Yet Adrian obediently brought his hand back to it’s previous position supporting his weight and Daren continued to fuck him at a leisurely pace.

It was only when Adrian began trying to increase the speed of their fucking by pushing back onto Deran’s cock that Deran held him more firmly and snapped his hips forward more quickly. 

The slow and torturous pace morphed into a fast and unforgiving speed. Adrian chocked back another moan and pressed his face into the mattress. He could feel bruises forming from Deran’s fingers, digging into his hips possessively. 

Deran’s thrusts began to grow more erratic and desperate and Adrian knew he was close. Adrian was close himself; he could feel the pressure building in his balls and wanted nothing more than to touch himself. He was about to disobey Deran’s previous command when Deran leaned over Adrian’s back and bit the same junction between his shoulder and neck. It was not hard enough to draw blood but it would bruise, of that Adrian was sure. 

Without fully comprehending what was happening, Adrian’s hips jerked and he spilled onto the sheets below him. Adrian was vaguely aware of Deran finishing above him, the familiar warm feeling and the pressure of Deran’s hips against him a giveaway. 

Deran reached under Adrian to presumably finish him off, after pulling out of Adrian. 

‘What the fuck, man?’ He said, finding Adrian’s cock flaccid. Adrian felt his cheeks heat. ‘If it wasn’t working why didn’t you say?’ Deran said, sounding half angry, half embarrassed. Adrian felt his face flush further and he gave a cough before flopping down on his side on a clean area of sheet. 

‘It did, Deran, it did.’ He said breathlessly, unsure at Deran’s reaction. Deran looked at his, confused, before his eyes moved down and found the stained patch on the sheets. 

‘Fuck.’ Deran said, his eyes going wide. ‘You came…without me touching you?’ Adrian looked down, still uncertain as to whether Deran was flattered or turned off. 

‘Doesn’t happen all the time, asshole.’ Adrian said defensively, getting up and grabbing a pair of boxers from his underwear drawer.

‘Hey…hey!’ Deran said, grabbing Adrian’s arm and spinning him around. ‘It’s fucking hot, alright?’ He said, pressing a hard, heated kiss to Adrian’s lips. 

Adrian paused, then slowly smiled, still blushing. He ducked his head and turned to watch as Deran pulled on a pair of Adrian’s boxers. Adrian huffed a laugh and began to strip the sheet off the bed despite the fact his legs still felt jelly-like. 

Deran waited until he had bundled the dirtied sheet up and remade the bed with a fresh one before he pulled him down onto the mattress so that Deran was trapping him from behind with his legs and arms. 

‘Deran!’ Adrian protested, struggling weakly. ‘I was actually planning to go to work this morning.’

‘Cancel it.’ Deran mumbled, releasing one arm to pull the duvet over both their bodies.

Deran’s touch became less trapping and more comforting and the leg thrown over his hip relaxed; still a heavy weight but not tensed. Deran’s arms too stopped gripping his chest so tightly and instead molded to his body warmly. Adrian frowned; post-sex cuddling was not something they did, it was too intimate. 

‘Deran?’ Adrian whispered softly. Receiving no response Adrian twisted in his arms to look at Deran’s face. Deran’s eyes were shut and he was obviously feigning sleep, but Adrian was both too tired and too content to call him out. Adrian turned back around and slowly sank down into the mattress and Deran’s hold. He would sort out work later.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the morning sex? And Adrian is invited to a Cody party...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drug use in this chapter....

Adrian woke a couple of hours later to find the nearly midday sun hot against his face through the window. Deran’s breathing was still slow and deep. Adrian shifted slightly and felt Deran tighten his hold around Adrian’s chest, muttering something in his sleep against the back of his neck. 

Adrian felt his chest tighten; he loved the warm weight of Daren’s body against his, and the arm anchoring him against Deran’s chest…he just didn’t love the fact that he was only rewarded with these touches when Deran was either too tired to care or believed him to be asleep. 

Adrian shook his head and frowned to himself. It was up to him to do something. He knew that if he was passive in this, Deran would not change, and they would continue the cycle of fucking, surfing, and fighting they had repeated for nearly a decade. 

Adrian looked at the clock on his bedside table, where the red numbers told him it was 11:30 disapprovingly. 

Struggling out of Deran’s grip, Adrian walked to the kitchen to find his phone. Sure enough he had several missed calls from work, as well as several angry messages. 

‘Shit.’ Adrian swore, running a hand through his hair. 

He tiptoed back into the bedroom and found a new pair of shorts and a fresh t-shirt, before toeing on his flipflops. He hesitated by the front door, knowing he couldn’t very well lock Deran in his house, but not trusting him to lock up. He found the back of an envelope and a biro and scribbled a message. 

Lock up when you leave and stop by the shop. A.

He didn’t sign it with anything more affectionate – he knew Deran wouldn’t have appreciated that.

* * *

When Adrian arrived at work he was met with semi-dissaproving and semi-knowing glances. He doubted his co-workers knew the full extent of his and Deran’s relationship, secrecy was the point after all, but they knew it wasn’t a clean cut friendship. Enough heated arguments and slammed doors around the shop was enough to give that away. 

Adrian sighed and grabbed the sander from where he’d left it the day before. It was going to be a long day.

* * *

Deran awoke to an empty spot beside him. Adrian’s bedroom was sun-warmed and Deran was tempted to simply fall back asleep again. But he knew that Smurf would be expecting him back at the house, and the longer he was gone the more questions he would receive when he got there, or Craig would be sent to find him. Not to mention the fact that Smurf would probably begin tracking his phone down if he didn’t show soon. 

Rubbing the grit from his eyes, Deran swung his legs over the side of the bed and looked around the room for his clothes. He easily spotted his shorts but couldn’t see his vest. Grunting, Deran rummaged in Adrian’s drawer for a clean t-shirt before pulling it on. 

Gathering his phone and truck keys, Deran was about to leave when he spotted the note on the floor. Deran grabbed the keys and slammed the door angrily. 

After locking up, he made his way to his truck and turned up the radio until it was obnoxiously loud. The leather seats were just the safe side of too hot from being in the sun. Fishing a pair of sunglasses out of the glove compartment, Deran shoved the truck into reverse and backed out of Adrian’s drive. 

The drive to Adrian’s shop wasn’t far, too short even, and when Deran arrived he still felt too jumpy to go in. Switching the radio off, Deran sat in his seat for a few minutes, listening to the faint sound of machines buzzing inside the workshop. 

Deran yanked his sunglasses off and folded them over the top of Adrian’s t-shirt. Why couldn’t he even do this? Why couldn’t he just return a friend’s keys like a normal person? Probably because he wasn’t. And Adrian wasn’t just a friend.

Deran slammed the truck door after he’d gotten out. He knew Adrian deserved more; he deserved more respect, more care, more attention…and less of Deran’s bullshit. But Deran knew he wasn’t about to give Adrian up anytime soon of his own volition…and he hated himself for it. 

Opening the shop door, Deran nodded at one of Adrian’s workers and coughed before raising his voice over the noise of the machines, now louder, coming from the back of the shop. 

‘Adrian back there?’ He said. The man regarded him for a moment before nodding and ignoring him again. Deran muttered a thank-you that went unheard, and made his way back to the workshop. 

Adrian’s face was covered by a dust mask, and his focus was on the board laying on the bench in front of him. Deran rapped his knuckled loudly against the wood of the open door, and Adrian looked up, his expression unreadable behind the mask. 

‘You asked me to bring your keys.’ Deran said unnecessarily. Adrian took off the mask and gave him a tight smile. 

‘Right.’ He said. Reaching out his hand, he accepted the keys from Deran was about to put the mask back on when Deran gave a cough. 

‘We’re having a party tomorrow. Craig’s birthday.’ Deran said, looking down at the floor. ‘Drop by if you want.’ He said. Adrian felt his stomach twist. 

It wasn’t just Deran’s indifference that made him uncomfortable, it was visiting that house. Smurf unsettled Adrian, and even more so now that he could see the hold and affect she had on Deran. He hadn’t been able to see it when they’d first met – either too naïve or too blind. But he didn’t want Deran to have to go through it with one less ally. 

‘Sure.’ Adrian replied, with another tight smile. ‘What time?’

‘Just drop by anytime after six,’ Deran said, clearing his throat. ‘Smurf’s doing a barbeque.’

‘Right.’ Adrian said again. Deran gave him a small smile and then forced a larger one. 

‘Later, dude.’ He said, before leaving the room. 

Adrian sighed. He’d go tomorrow and he’d hate it. If it was anything remotely similar to the rest of the Cody parties, it would involve Adrian sitting to one side, Smurf making him feel uncomfortable, and Deran making out with random girls. Adrian wanted to hate Deran for it, or even find it ridiculous, but he just found it sad.

* * *

Adrian arrived at the Cody house at about half six; he was greeted by Catherine, who had Lena on her hip. 

‘Oh, hey Adrian.’ She said, looking frustrated. ‘The boys are all around the back. I’m taking Lena home – too much drinking.’ She said. Adrian gave her a sympathetic smile. Craig’s birthday party was probably not the ideal place for a young child. 

‘See you around.’ Adrian said as Catherine got into her car. 

He made his way through to the garden and pool area, eyes scanning the crowd for Deran, but without success. He saw Craig lounging on a sofa, with a girl on his lap, head tipped back and beer in hand. 

‘Hey, man.’ Adrian said, walking to within hearing range. Craig blinked a few times and then raised his arms.

‘Adrian!’ He said, getting unsteadily to his feet, accidentally jostling the girl onto the now-empty couch. 

‘Enjoying your party?’ Adrian asked uneasily. 

‘Yeah, yeah, man.’ Craig said, throwing an arm around Adrian’s shoulders. ‘The real fun doesn’t start until later though – stick around, eh?’

‘Sure thing.’ Adrian lied. ‘Know where Deran is?’ Craig frowned and then leaned in close. 

‘Yeah man, he had an argument with Smurf before the whole thing started.’ Craig said quietly as if he was afraid either Smurf or Deran would hear him. ‘He’s having his little bitch sulk inside now. Go find him and tell him to stop behind such a dick, huh?’ Craig said before slapping Adrian’s back with too much force. 

Adrian didn’t reply, but instead made his way to the house, navigating the stragglers inside. He made his way to Deran’s room and found the door ajar. 

‘Deran?’ He said, pushing the door open. 

Deran was sat on his bed with his back to the door. His head was slightly bowed. The curtains were half drawn, and Adrian had to pause for a moment before his eyes properly adjusted to the gloom. 

‘Deran.’ Adrian tried again. He shut the door, and walked around to Deran’s side of the bed. Deran finally looked at him. Deran’s pupils were dilated and his focus was slightly off, looking just past Adrian, instead of directly at him. 

‘You take something?’ Adrian asked, feeling his stomach curl. Deran smoked his fair bit of weed – they all did – but he rarely hit any of the heavier stuff; that was always Craig’s department. 

‘Some crap I found in Craig’s room.’ Deran replied, standing up and crowding Adrian’s space.

‘What happened with Smurf?’ Adrian asked, taking a step backwards. 

‘Who the fuck said anything happened?’ Deran snarled, backing Adrian against the wall of his bedroom. 

‘Craig.’ Adrian answered quickly, watching at Deran’s brows furrowed further and his lip curled back. 

‘Asshole.’ Deran muttered. 

‘You gonna come outside?’ Adrian mumbled, aware of Deran’s close proximity and the chance of someone bursting in to come and find them. 

‘Maybe.’ Daren whispered, with his top lip pulled back. Adrian breathed out a shuddering breath: Deran was too close.

‘Okay,’ Adrian said, trying to edge around Deran. ‘I’m gonna-‘ His words were cut off as Deran forcefully pressed his own lips to his. The kiss was sloppy and too forceful at the same time, but it went straight to Adrian’s cock. 

Deran’s hand snaked down as he continued kissing him and he palmed Adrian’s growing hardness through his shorts. Adrian muffled a groan and pushed on Deran’s shoulders until their lips and Deran’s hand broke contact. Deran stumbled back, his expression shocked. 

‘What?’ Deran said, sounding irritated. 

‘Someone might come in?’ Adrian whispered, Deran frowned, his pupils still blown wide, as if he wasn’t always the one insisting on absolutely secrecy and discretion in their ‘relationship’. 

‘Alright.’ He said. ‘Whatever, man.’ Just as quickly as he had kissed him, he was out the bedroom door without a backwards glance. Fuck. 

It of course wasn’t Adrian who would have minded if someone came in and saw them, but there would be hell to pay if someone found them and Deran was ‘outed’ while high. Adrian groaned in frustration and looked around Deran’s room for something to distract him. 

The bedroom looked the same as Adrian remembered it looking the first time he had visited the Cody house. There were more awards and trophies now, and some of the more childish posters had since been taken down, but otherwise it remained almost identical. 

Adrian’s eyes fell on a dent in the wall. Flakes of plaster covered the floor and on closer inspection smears of blood mingled in the broken plaster. It was obviously new. Smurf wouldn’t tolerate that kind of mess to remain in her home and if it were more than a week old, the plaster would’ve been repaired. Shit. 

Adrian sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Was this really what he wanted?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A stranger riles Adrian and Deran tried to help...but does it have it's intended affect or is it just rubbing salt in the wound?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the lovely comments which I will try to reply to now! Again if there are any massive and glaring errors please do point them out. 
> 
> While I know a lot of how we've seen Deran isn't particularly 'caring' in this sense, this is kind of my own take on what he truly wants and how he sometimes acts/acted with Adrian....

Adrian went back outside some minutes later. His eyes immediately fell on Deran, who was sitting on the end of one of the sun loungers talking to a girl with long brown hair. Adrian felt his throat tighten painfully as the girl laughed and Daren nudged her shoulder with his. 

Adrian wasn’t sure how long he stood and watched them, but he was aware he was probably beginning to look creepy at best, and downright obvious about his jealousy at worst. Adrian was suddenly interrupted by a cough at his side. 

He turned and frowned when his eyes found a stranger he didn’t recognize standing next to him. He was slightly shorter than Adrian and had thick auburn curls, and Adrian saw the way his eyes also traced the couple sitting closer and closer together on the loungers. 

‘Who are you jealous of?’ He asked, a sly grin appearing on his face. Adrian’s eyes narrowed and he turned to look at the newcomer quizzically. 

‘Excuse me?’ He said, feeling the tips of his ears begin to burn. The man nodded his head at Deran and the girl again. 

‘Cody junior over there,’ He said, and Adrian felt his lip curl as the man’s eyes swept over Deran appreciatively. ‘Or whatever random chick he has plastered to his side?’ He finished, raising a knowing eyebrow at Adrian. 

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Adrian said quickly. Like every time, it wasn’t Adrian’s own fear of exposure that forced his answers, it was Deran’s fear and anger that stayed his tongue. 

‘Right.’ The man said, chuckling. ‘Well, no hope for me I suppose,’ He said before casting that sly eye over Adrian. ‘Or you.’ Adrian turned to face the man properly, feeling his temper rise – he couldn’t stand the smugness in his voice. 

‘What do you want?’ He said. The stranger smirked and then laughed again, looking down at the floor. 

‘I’d of thought that was pretty obvious.’ He smirked and Adrian felt his skin crawl. ‘Damn…if only that boy was gay.’ He said, the same teasing note lacing every word. 

‘I wouldn’t speak so loudly.’ Adrian hissed, suddenly becoming aware of a very specific pair of eyes on him. He looked up and caught Deran’s gaze, or rather glare. He was jealous – if only he knew. 

The stranger followed his line of sight and smirked again, tipping his head back and shaking it. 

‘Or maybe I’m just unlucky.’ He said, leering at Adrian. Adrian pressed his lips together and tried to stop himself from replying. ‘Although,’ The man continued. ‘How does it feel to watch that,’ He said, nodding his head at Deran and the girl. ‘Knowing that it’ because he’s ashamed of you? Maybe I’m-‘

The stranger never got to finish that thought as Adrian fist swung around and hit hi square on the jaw, and he stumbled back gasping. 

‘Motherfucker!’ He gasped, spitting blood onto the patio. ‘Treats you that bad, huh?’ He said, grinning with blood between his teeth. Adrian let out something akin to a growl and advanced on the man before him, barreling into him until they both ended up scrabbling on the concrete. 

The majority of the party-goers had either gathered around to watch with horrified stares or were egging the two men on. Adrian fisted the other man’s shirt collar in his hand and yanked him backwards, pulling him off from over him. Quickly Adrian leapt onto the man and was about to punch him I the face again when strong arms hauled him up from behind. 

‘What the fuck, man?’

Craig. 

Adrian swallowed and closed his eyes. He felt terrible; he wasn’t a violent person, that was always Deran, and while he was no saint, he would never of said he had a short fuse. But it was about Deran, wasn’t it? It was about Deran and how he treated Adrian, and how badly that hurt Adrian, and…Adrian had always known it bothered him, he just hadn’t known how much. 

‘Adrian?’ 

Deran.

He jerked his head towards the voice and found Deran staring at him, brow furrowed. He yanked himself out of Craig’s grip and pushed past several of the crowd that had gathered, making his way towards the gates of the property. Behind him he could hear Craig dispersing everyone and Smurf calling out that some of the food is ready.

‘Adrian!’ Deran again. Adrian walks faster. ‘Adrian? What the hell man?’ The footsteps behind him sped up until Deran jogged around in front of him and caught his shoulders. His pupils were still dilated but his focus was slightly better. 

‘Let go, Deran.’ Adrian muttered, refusing to meet his eyes. 

‘Adrian? Who was that guy?’ Deran asked. Adrian stares at his feet and lifts his heels off of his flip-flops awkwardly, before sinking back down. 

‘Just some asshole.’ He said, refusing to look at Deran still. ‘I’m going home.’

‘Why?’ Deran asked, suddenly sounding angry. ‘What did he say to you?’ Adrian found his own temper rising and finally looked up, glaring at Deran.

‘Does it fucking matter?’ He asked, trying to step around him. 

‘Fine.’ Deran shouted after him, and he continued to walk to his car parked a little way down the road. ‘Be a bitch about it.’ Adrian said nothing, and if he felt his eyes burning he refused to acknowledge it. 

Adrian unlocked his truck and got in. He sat silently in the driver’s seat for several moments before his head footsteps on the pavement. Adrian closed his eyes and let out a shuddering breath. The passenger side door opened and the truck shook slightly as Deran got in and slammed the door shut. 

‘We going to your place or what?’ He muttered, looking out the window. Right – Deran automatically assumed Adrian wanted his company. But…the thought of going back to his place alone, and probably spending the rest of the day feeling shitty about the party was not appealing.

Adrian heaved another breath and started the motor. He pulled away from the sidewalk and drove in silence back to his house. Deran didn’t say anything for the entire drive and Adrian didn’t make any attempt to start a conversation. 

Adrian parked his truck and got out, not waiting to see whether Deran was following, and unlocked his front door. He threw his keys in the bowel by the door and made his way to the bathroom, stripping out of his clothes and turning on the shower. 

After waiting for the water to warm he stepped under the spray and looked down at the shower floor, surprised to see the water dripping pink down his body. Adrian slowly brought a hand up to his face and pulled it away instantly when it stung painfully. His fingers traced a bruised cheekbone and a split lip. 

The sound footsteps alerted Adrian to Deran’s presence in the bathroom, and he quickly brought his hand away, reaching for his shower gel. Adrian heard clothes rustling before the shower curtain was pulled back and Deran stepped into the shower behind him. Adrian stilled and lent a hand against the wall as Deran molded himself to Adrian’s back. 

‘Deran, I-‘ Adrian began but Deran merely brought his hands around Adrian’s front and pulled his back against his body. There was nothing particularly sexual in it, just comforting, and Adrian well appreciated the irony of the situation. 

Adrian wasn’t sure how long they stood under the water, but both of them shifted uncomfortably when the water began to get cold. Deran turned the shower off and pulled back the curtain, passing Adrian a towel before grabbing one for himself. Adrian followed Deran through into his own bedroom and watched as Deran rummaged in his drawers for clean sweatpants and a hoodie. Finding two pairs of both, Deran pulled his on quickly, before turning back to look at Adrian, who had yet to move. 

‘You okay, man?’ Deran asked, visibly more sober now. 

‘No.’ Adrian whispered honestly. Deran pressed his lips together and nodded his head awkwardly once, and then again. He made his way over to Adrian and stripped away his towel. He bunched the sweatpants and knelt before Adrian, holding one leg open so that Adrian could put his foot through, before doing the same with the other leg. Deran pulled them up over Adrian’s hips before doing the same with the hoodie. 

Deran guided him through the lounge and pushed Adrian gently towards the sofa, before he went to get the almost full bottle of whisky from Adrian’s dresser. 

Deran poured them both generous tumblers, which they drank, and then refilled them when they were empty. 

Adrian lost track of time as the evening drew on, instead letting Deran talk quietly at him. The radio was on barely audibly in the background while Deran told Adrian about his first surfing competition, the three times he got excluded from middle school, the time he tried to drive Smurf’s car when he was twelve and scraped the side. 

Deran wasn’t really usually much of a talker, but the alcohol and Adrian’s mood loosened his tongue. All the while Adrian’s eyes tracked the movements of his hands, Deran’s eyes, his lips, and the way he shifted his legs. Adrian’s own mind was in turmoil; he couldn’t blame Deran entirely for the way he acted – not with the way he was raised. But did that mean he should passively accept it? Probably not…definitely not. Adrian sighed and drained his glass. He took Deran’s almost empty glass from his hand, cutting off his stream of words, and straddled his lap. 

‘Adrian?’ Deran asked. Eyes flicking between Adrian’s own and his lips. 

Adrian pressed his mouth to Deran’s desperately. He kissed him like he was drowning, hands gripping the sides of Deran’s face. Deran broke away, eyes wide and cheeks flushed. 

‘What’s wrong, man?’ Deran asked, hands gripping Adrian’s arms. Adrian felt his eyes begin to sting and he quickly stumbled backwards, off of Deran’s lap. 

Turning, he quickly walked towards his bedroom and got under the covers of his bed, realizing too late that he had left the light on. A few moments later Adrian heard Deran’s soft footsteps on his floor. Deran hovered in the doorway before turning the light out, and walking towards the bed. He quietly slipped in behind Adrian and pulled him against his chest. Adrian didn’t know if this was better or worse than being alone. It felt like Deran’s current tenderness was only rubbing salt in the earlier wound the man’s words had left, as Adrian knew it was only momentary. 

But the feeling of Deran warm against his back convinced him for the second time, and his opinion was sealed when Deran placed a soft kiss at the top of his neck. If this was all he could get, he would take it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran goes missing and then is found. Read tags for warnings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read the new tags of the fic as idk if some people might want to skip the chapter...nothing super graphic or anything just don't know y'all personal experiences

Deran was gone by the time Adrian woke up. The sheets beside him were cool and lonely, and Adrian felt lost. Since they’d met Deran had had some kind of magnetic pull on him, for Adrian. No matter the crazy stunt or stupid shit he pulled, Adrian found it hard to refuse his requests to meet, and with Deran it was easier to just move on and pass over those kind of things, than call them out.

* * *

Adrian got up and walked slightly slowly to his kitchen. He threw out the old coffee sitting in the pot and started a fresh brew before finding his phone on the counter. Even if Deran leaves early, more often than not he leaves Adrian a message, usually a ‘See you tonight’ or ‘Surfing tomorrow?’, but there was nothing. Adrian frowned and replaced his phone on the sideboard.

* * *

When Adrian arrived home from work that day, he found Craig standing outside his apartment, hands in his pockets, with a slight frown on his face. Adrian’s own face formed a frown as he turned of his truck. He wasn’t close to any of the Cody’s apart from Deran; he had tried as hard as possible to avoid going around to the Cody house after he had properly understood the atmosphere of the family, Smurf in particular. 

‘Hey, man?’ Adrian asked, getting out of his truck. ‘What’s up?’ 

‘Seen Deran?’ Craig asked quickly. 

‘Nah, not since yesterday.’ Adrian replied, affecting nonchalance. 

‘Right.’ Craig said, shuffling from foot to foot. 

‘Can’t find him?’ Adrian asked unnecessarily. 

‘Kind of.’ Craig replied. Kind of. What the hell did that mean. 

‘Right.’ Adrian said again. 

‘We were, uh, meant to be having a family meeting,’ Craig said, tone implying it was not what one would normally think of as a family meeting. 

‘Deran was a no-show?’ Adrian asked. Craig nodded and ran his hand through his hair. 

‘Yeah…just thought he might be here or something.’ He said, with a tight smile. Adrian felt his breathing stop. 

‘Why would he be here?’ He said, too quickly. Craig studied him for a moment before ducking his head and huffing out a forced laugh. 

‘I’m not an idiot, dude.’ Craig said, squinting against the sun. Adrian gaped his mouth open. Since when had Craig known? Did Deran know he knew? 

‘I…’ He began, before trailing off. 

‘Chill, dude.’ Craig said, clapping a hand onto Adrian’s shoulder. ‘But seriously, if you see him, call me?’ 

Adrian nodded, the relief of Craig’s acceptance dissipating in moments. He coughed and nodded again before unlocking his front door and watching Craig speed off on his bike.

* * *

Adrian was woken that night by his phone vibrating on his beside table. He blearily reached for his phone and squinted against the glaring screen, trying to read the name of the caller. Craig. He pressed the accept call button and help the phone up to his ear.

‘Hello?’ He mumbled. The sound of a car engine filtered through the phone with a tinny quality. 

‘Adrian.’ Craig said, shouting slightly; he was clearly on speakerphone. ‘Be outside your door in five minutes.’

‘What? Why?’ Adrian said, sitting up, and blinking into the darkness of his bedroom. 

‘We’ve found Deran.’ Craig said, before the call disconnected, leaving Adrian in a horrible silence. 

Adrian felt a shiver spread through his body. Craig would not have called just to tell him they’d found Deran if he’d been at his apartment, or at a surf spot. And Craig would definitely not be picking Adrian up unless Deran was…hurt? Lost? Adrian’s mind suddenly went overboard trying to think of, and simultaneously block, all the many horrible possibilities. 

He shakily stood up and shuffled around his bedroom in the dark, pulling on sweatpants and finding a clean jumper to pull on. He considered slipping his sandals on, but it was nighttime, and he had no idea where they were going. Instead Adrian rummaged in his drawer for some socks, before groping around in the bottom of his cupboard for some sneakers. 

He grabbed his phone from where he had left it on his bed, and shoved it into his pocket, along with his wallet from the kitchen counter and his keys, before he stepped outside his front door and into the cool night air. After locking it, he shoved his hands in his pockets and peered up the street, for any sign of Craig. 

He didn’t have to wait long, as soon a pair of headlights came around the corner. Craig drove quickly and screeched to a halt beside Adrian’s apartment. 

‘Get in, man.’ He said urgently, through the open window. Adrian yanked the door open and slid in. Craig pulled away from the curb before Adrian even had a chance to properly shut his door. 

After Craig had been driving for several minutes, Adrian broke the silence. 

‘So you gonna tell me what’s going on?’ He asked, half irritated at Craig, and half worried about Deran’s whereabouts. 

‘Deran got his stupid ass run off the road just past Escondido. Some fucking back road, and he ended up in a ditch. Wasn’t called in until an hour ago. He’s at Scripps Mercy Hospital.’

For a moment Adrian can’t reply. He can’t breathe or even think properly. Why was Deran driving near Escondido? Was it to do with yesterday? 

‘Is he okay?’ Adrian croaked. Craig said nothing and just looked at Adrian for a moment before looking back at the road grimly. 

‘We’ll find out.’ He said. 

The drive barely took forty minutes, but each stop light they had to pause at, and each slow driver in front of them was torturous. Adrian could see Craig’s jaw twitch and his brown remain furrowed. Whatever the odd dynamics of the Cody family, Adrian knew that despite Smurf’s meddling, Craig and Deran had always been closer than the other brothers; whether this was because of their closer age or not, Adrian didn’t know, but in this moment he appreciated that his worry was shared by someone else. Then a thought hit him.

‘How come you aren’t with Smurf? Or Pope? Where’s Baz?’ Adrian asked suddenly. 

‘Pope is driving Smurf and J down…they’re probably already there. Baz has gone to find and deal with Deran’s jeep.’ Craig muttered. 

‘Oh.’ Adrian replied. ‘What did you tell Smurf? Does she…does she know?’ Adrian asked, feeling his throat constrict: he knew that was Deran’s biggest fear. 

‘Nah,’ Craig replied, tone slightly softer. ‘I don’t think so, man.’ He said, giving Adrian an odd smile. ‘Just said I was picking you up because you’d want to see him…best friend and all.’ Adrian nodded and let out a breath he had been holding. 

‘Thanks, dude.’ He said.

Both men were silent for the remainder of the drive and when they pulled into the parking lot, they still didn’t speak. They both got out the truck quickly and Craig marched towards the entrance and then to the front desk, where a harried receptionist was on the phone. Craig tapped his foot impatiently until she put down the receiver.

‘Deran Cody?’ Craig practically barked. 

‘Family?’ The receptionist asked looking between Craig and Deran with a raised eyebrow. 

‘Yup.’ Craig replied with a glare. 

‘Right.’ She replied, sounding tired and bored. ‘Marshall, would you take these men to Bay 7.’ A nurse passing by the front desk looked irritated but motioned for them to follow him. Craig and Adrian were led to a room full of beds divided by blue curtains, the curtains around Bay 7 were drawn. Craig yanked back the corner and Adrian felt sick. 

Deran was lying on bed, looking pale and small. He had an oxygen mask covering his lower face, and his right arm was bandaged in a cast. The right side of his face was bruised and scraped and a bandage covered his right temple, and was wrapped around most of his skull. A transfer bag of blood was hooked up near the drip. The monitor showed a steady heart beat. Smurf sat on the edge of the mattress stroking Deran’s hair with a tenderness that made Adrian feel ill. Pope stood with J at the foot of the bed, both looking pensive. 

‘Why the fuck doesn’t he have his own room?’ Craig asked angrily. Smurf turned and looked at his disapprovingly. 

‘Be quiet, baby.’ She said. ‘And Deran’s being transferred in a few minutes. I’ve had a bed cleared for him in one of the private rooms. Craig nodded seeming satisfied and Adrian’s own chest relaxed slightly. Until Smurf spotted him. 

‘Hello, Adrian.’ She said, in that voice that made Adrian feel he was anything but welcome. Adrian gave Smurf a tight smile.

‘So, uh, so what did they say?’ He asked, nodding at Deran. Smurf’s expression morphed into something genuinely worried and she swallowed awkwardly. 

‘They said he had a hemorrhage – a brain bleed – and they’ve had to release the pressure. They don’t know…if there could be brain damage. They’ll know they he wakes up.’ Adrian felt his stomach drop. 

‘Fuck!’ Craig near shouted and sat down heavily in the chair beside Deran’s bed. 

‘Besides that? A broken arm, two broken ribs and a fractured collar bone.’ Smurf said, looking over Deran’s tenderly, but Adrian felt sicker watching her. 

At that moment, two porters and a nurse drew the curtain back; the nurse looked at her clipboard tiredly. 

‘Mr. Deran Cody, and family?’ He asked, glancing over the assorted group. Smurf nodded and clasped Deran’s limp hand. 

‘The room’s free?’

The nurse nodded, and Adrian, Craig, Pope, and J all awkwardly stepped aside and back into the curtain so that the bed and various bit of machinery could be moved. Deran, Smurf, and the hospital staff took a separate elevator, and Adrian was left in an uneasy silence with the Cody brother. Adrian studied each in turn. 

Pope looked severe and pensive, but then again, he nearly always did. He stood stiffly with his arms crossed over his chest and scowled at the floor. J looked worried, brows knitted together, and slightly uncomfortable, like he didn’t know if he was meant to be there or not. Adrian could relate. It was Craig who seemed most unlike himself to Adrian, however. His eyes were clear and drug-addled free, and he chewed on his bottom lip distractedly; his usual carefree attitude was clearly missing…unsurprising really. 

The group was directed to Deran’s new room as soon as they left the elevator. Adrian tensed as voices were heard from within. 

‘What? No, I didn’t?’ Deran. Adrian felt his heart clench. He and Craig rounded the corner of the door first to see Deran struggling to sit up whilst being held down by the hospital staff, Smurf was murmuring placating words, trying to stroke his hand, which he snatched away. 

‘Sir.’ One of the nurses said. ‘Can you tell me your name please?’ Deran whipped his head around to face her and winced, then looked at her wide eyed. 

‘Who are you?’ He said, instead of answering. 

‘Baby, do you know what happened?’ Smurf asked. Deran looked back at her, eyes narrowing as if he were trying to work something out. 

‘No…no.’ Deran said, sounding deflated. It was then that he caught sight of Craig in the doorway, who had moved forward, blocking most of the space. 

‘Bro, you alright?’ Craig asked, walking towards the bed. Deran stared at his confusedly, but relaxed down again. 

‘What happened?’ Deran asked again, voice sounding smaller now. 

‘You ran your car into a ditch, you stupid fuck.’ Craig said, but everyone in the room could hear the worry and affection creeping into his voice. ‘We’re all here, bro.’ He said, stepping aside and motioning to where Adrian stood, with Pope and J behind him. Deran’s eyes flicked to him and widened. 

‘Adrian?’ He asked. Adrian gave an awkward smile, wanting nothing more than to rush to Deran and check over all the parts of him that were broken, but he didn’t. He curled his hand inside his pocket and forced himself to simply step inside the room, but remain no closer than the edge of the bed. It was what Deran would have wanted anyway. But in his drug-hazed and confused state, Deran’s face dropped at Adrian’s casual attitude and he made an aborted movement with his free hand. 

‘How do you feel?’ Adrian said, to break the silence in the room. 

‘Sore, man.’ Deran said, wincing as he shifted in the bed. ‘I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.’ He added, sounding confused. Adrian felt this stomach twist at the thought of Deran curled in his bed only twenty-four hours ago. How much did Deran remember? 

‘What’s your last memory, baby?’ Smurf asked, voice sickly sweet. Deran turned to focus of his mother, looking confused again. 

‘A party?’ He said, sounding hopeful. Adrian felt his chest relax slightly – surely that was a good sign? Maybe Deran did remember coming over, but was obviously not going to say in front of Smurf. 

‘Yes, baby.’ Smurf replied, planting a kiss on his temple. 

‘Right?’ Deran said, smiling more confidently. ‘And Marco was doing that crazy shit with the fire pit?’ He continues. Adrian frowned. He remembered that party, but that had not been Craig’s birthday party a day ago. That had to have been, what, five years ago?

‘Nah, man.’ Craig said, sounding worried again. ‘It was my birthday, remember? Adrian got in a fight, didn’t he?’ Craig said, forcing a laugh as he slaps Adrian on the shoulder. Deran returned his gaze to Adrian. 

‘You…YOU got in a fight?’ He said, sounding confused even more so now. ‘Why were you fighting?’

‘I…uh,’ Adrian began, shifting uneasily and looking desperately at Craig. 

The conversation is interrupted by a nurse entering with a doctor behind her. The doctor moved past the gaggle of people with an irritated air and picked up the chart of the end of Deran’s bed. 

‘Mr. Deran Cody?’ She asked. Deran nodded blankly. 

‘Yeah.’ He said, sounding unsure. 

‘Great. Cody family? I’m going to have to ask you all to step outside and wait in the family room while we run a few tests, now Mr. Cody is awake.’ She said, ushering them out, and shutting the blinds of the room. 

Adrian followed Pope and J down to the family room, Smurf and Craig following more reluctantly. A text tone sounded and Smurf stopped in the corridor. 

‘It’s from Baz.’ She said, holding the phone slightly far away from her face. ‘He says the car is being towed, but that he got there before it was. It was Deran’s boards in the back, plus several bags on clothes.’

‘Huh…’ Craig muttered. Smurf locked the phone and slipped it back into her bag. 

‘Any of you boys know anything about that?’ She asked, tone forcing Pope and J to turn around. When none of them answered, or made any suggestion, she turned to Adrian. 

‘Adrian?’


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran's still in hospital and we get a flashback to Adrian's first introduction to the other members of the Cody family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight warning for a not really graphic accident again.

Adrian shuffled awkwardly under Smurf’s gaze. He avoided Craig’s piercing glare and shook his head at the floor. 

‘Nope, I, uh, haven’t seen him since your party.’ He said, nodding at Craig. They didn’t need to know Deran had left with him. 

Smurf looked around at her sons and Adrian with narrowed eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest and lifted her chin. 

‘I will find out what happened to my baby.’ She said, before striding down to the ‘family room’. The endearment made Adrian’s stomach turn.

He knew Deran was the baby of the family, he supposed it sort of came naturally with being the youngest sibling, and no matter J now being in the mix, Deran would always be that in their eyes.

* * *

It’s was few months after Adrian met Deran when he had his first true insight into the Cody family. They’d been skateboarding down one of the streets in Oceanside that led down to the sea, Deran swooping daredevil style around Adrian, letting out ecstatic whoops every time they almost collided but just missed each other. Adrian felt his heart jump whenever Adrian’s swept past and tried to focus on just staying on his board. 

They came up to a cross road and Deran showed no sign of stopped, merely bent his body slightly to make himself more streamlined. 

‘Deran?’ Adrian called, panic rising as the junction came closer. 

‘Don’t be a pussy, Adrian.’ Deran yelled over his shoulder. 

Deran was about to streak across the road when a truck suddenly roared from behind the buildings on the adjoining road. Deran shouted a curse and swerved on his board, crashing into he curb of the sidewalk and coming off his board. His body tumbled for a few seconds before he came to a stop near some steps and lay still. 

Adrian frantically scuffed his foot along the floor to stop his board and jumped off when it was slow enough, letting the board roll aimlessly down the street. 

‘Deran?’ He asked, worriedly, running to his friend’s side. Deran rolled onto his back and groaned, one arm clutched to his chest. Adrian felt his breath leave his chest as he saw Deran’s left arm was bent at an awkward angle. 

The sight made Adrian feel faintly ill and he searched the street frantically for someone to help. 

‘Fuck, Deran.’ Adrian swore, helping his friend sit up. ‘Can you walk?’ Deran huffed a nod and got to his feet with Adrian’s help. He had grazes along his arm and across his palms and he winced when Adrian tried to grip him around his back. 

‘Hang on.’ Adrian said, gathering up both of their boards. ‘Is your house near?’ He asked, realizing he had no idea where Deran lived. Deran nodded, his face twisted in pain, and he started limping down a street to the left. 

Adrian tried several times to help Deran but each time he was shaken off and received a glare. Adrian frowned to himself and simply carried the boards, following slightly behind Deran through the hot streets. 

After a while they reached a pair of imposing gates, which Deran unlocked, and Adrian followed his friend through into a driveway filled with several cars, a quad bike, and an array of surfboards. Deran nodded vaguely towards an open garage. Adrian frowned, confused, until Deran gestured to the scuffed board in his arms. Adrian deposited the board and followed Deran through another gate to the backyard, in which a cool, blue pool glimmered.

Deran half collapsed onto a sun lounger and Adrian noticed that his hairline was dark with sweat, and that his face was pale. He looked around for anyone to help. He didn’t even know who was part of Deran’s family. He’s once seen Deran be picked up from the beach by a black truck, but he had no idea whether it belonged to a sibling, or parent.

‘Is there someone inside the house?’ Adrian asked. Deran opened his eyes, slightly blearily, and shrugged his shoulders before wincing. 

‘I don’t know.’ He replied tersely. ‘Fuck!’ He yelled as he sat up again. Adrian walked through the open French door into a kitchen and rummaged in the cupboards until he found a glass, which he filled with water. Adrian carried that back out to Deran, who was starting to look grey in the face.

‘Shouldn’t we call an ambulance?’ Adrian asked frantically.

‘There’s a cell phone in the kitchen drawer next to the sink.’ Deran replied, ignoring the question. ‘Call Craig.’ Adrian nodded uncomfortably and went inside to find the phone. He had taken it out the drawer when a voice sounded from behind him. 

‘Who the fuck are you?’ Adrian whipped around to find a man staring at him with a gun held in his left hand. Adrian almost yelped, and dropped the phone in surprise. He held his hands up beside his head and took a gasping breath. 

‘I’m Adrian.’ He said quickly. ‘Deran’s friend.’ The man before him seemed unmoved. He silently bent and picked up the phone, dusting off the cover before placing it on the counter. 

‘Where’s Deran?’ He said.

‘Outside.’ Adrian replied, swallowing quickly. ‘He’s broken his arm. He wanted me to call Craig.’ The man scowled.

‘Idiot.’ He muttered and turned to stalk out onto the patio. Adrian heard angry muttering and quickly followed the man outside.

‘Why didn’t you just call me? Or Smurf?’ The man said, kneeling down next to Deran, repositioning Deran’s arm against his chest. 

‘Fuck off, man!’ Deran shouted, kicking out with his left leg. ‘Ow!’

‘Smurf’s gonna be pissed.’ The man said, raising his eyebrows before pulling another cell from his pocket and dialing a number. Deran let out something similar to a whine and lent his head back against the sun-lounger. 

‘Who’s that?’ Adrian asked. Deran opened one eye and looked at Adrian contemplatively. 

‘That’s Pope. He’s my brother.’ He answered shortly. ‘You should probably leave now anyway.’ He muttered under his breath. Adrian frowned but covered it up quickly. 

‘Can I get you anything else?’ Adrian asked, not wanting to leave Deran. 

Deran shook his head and then twitched his head up off the sun-lounger at the sound of a growling engine. 

‘Shit.’ Deran groaned. Adrian turned to look at the gate to the driveway confused. 

‘What?’ He whispered. 

‘Smurf.’ Deran replied, struggling to sit up on the sun-lounger, cursing as his arm was jostled. 

Adrian was about to ask who Smurf was, when footsteps interrupted him, and he turned quickly. Whatever he had expected Smurf to be like, a petite, blonde woman was not it.

‘She was already almost home.’ Pope supplied before going back inside. The woman, Smurf, took over her sunglasses and strode over to Deran slowly. 

‘Baby,’ She said, tucking a strand of Deran’s blond hair behind his ear. ‘What did you do?’ Her tone was sickly sweet; it made Adrian’s skin crawl in a way he didn’t quite understand. 

‘Fell off my board.’ Deran muttered, face still twisted slightly in pain. 

‘Why hasn’t my baby been taken to the hospital?’ Smurf said, looking around the mostly empty patio, clearly searching for Pope. Her eyes fell on Adrian. 

‘I, uh…’ Adrian stuttered, feeling Smurf expected an answer from him. 

‘Are you one of Deran’s little friends?’ Smurf asked, tone still saccharine but eyes mocking. 

‘Yeah, uh, yeah I am.’ Adrian replied, nodding and glancing uncomfortably at Deran, who avoided his gaze. 

‘Well,’ Smurf said, waking up to Adrian and smoothing her hands over the collar of his shirt. ‘Thank you for bringing Deran home. I think it’s time you left now.’ Adrian stood, not responding, for several moments, before he blinked rapidly and nodded in silence. 

Adrian picked up his board, and waked towards the gate, muttering a ‘goodbye’ to Deran. When he reached the gate to the driveway, Adrian turned around. Smurf was seated next to Deran on the sun-lounger and was stroking his hair. Pope had reappeared and was now on the phone. Adrian shut the gate behind him and left.

* * *

Sitting across the room from Smurf now, Adrian shivered and she regarded him with the same cold expression, as if she knew something and was just waiting for Adrian to give himself away. After about 10 minutes, the doctor who had asked them to leave appeared at the door. 

‘Family of Deran Cody?’ She asked, barely waiting for them all, more or less, to nod before smiling and taking a seat facing them. 

‘How is he?’ Craig asked gruffly. 

‘Well, as you may have gather Deran is suffering some confusion following the accident.’ The doctor said. ‘This isn’t uncommon, I mean you could almost say it was to be expected following the head injury. For now we are classing that as post-traumatic amnesia; the next twenty-four hours will give us a better idea of the extent of the injury. If within twenty-four hourd, the confusion is gone, then Deran should be more or less back to normal in several weeks, excluding the other physical injuries.’

‘What about the other stuff?’ Craig interrupted, leaning forward from his seat. ‘Like the last five years? What about that? Is he gonna remember that?’

‘The retrograde amnesia we’re seeing with Deran is another thing where we will need time to know the full extent of it.’ The doctor said, smiling patiently. ‘The best thing for you all to do now, is to make him feel safe, and comfortable. It’s not a good idea to start trying to drill him about what he can and can’t remember.’ 

‘Fuck.’ Craig swore.

‘I assume you’ve been given a run down of his other physical injuries?’

‘Yes.’ Smurf said, lips pursed. 

‘Well good news with those is they’re all fully expected to heal properly. Deran may need some physical therapy for his arm, but otherwise I’d expect him to make a full recovery.’ The doctor said, smiling tightly and standing, clearly needing to be off to see another patient. ‘I am going to have to say though that I’m only going to allow two visitors at a time. He doesn’t need to be overwhelmed.’

Adrian felt himself deflate in his chair. He knew he was practically bottom of the list of people who would be let in to see Deran anytime soon. Fuck. Did Deran even remember what they were? Adrian wracked his brain trying to remember when they had had their first frantic night together. Was it five years ago? Or was it six?

Adrian watched helplessly as Smurf got up swiftly and was soon followed by Craig. The door fell shut behind them and J rubbed a hand over his face. Pope sat stoically, staring at the floor.

* * *

It was almost noon by the time Adrian was allowed to see Adrian again. Smurf was on the phone outside, Craig was suspiciously absent, Pope and J had taken one of the cars back to Oceanside to pick up some fresh clothes and some of Deran’s stuff. 

Adrian entered the room quietly, worried Deran might be asleep. Deran was still lying down, the back of the bed half raised so that Deran could see the room better. He looked up from his lap when he heard the door open and gave Adrian a small relieved smile. 

‘Though you were Smurf.’ He explained with a huffed laugh. Adrian winced internally; even when Deran had clearly forgotten near half a decade of Smurf’s manipulations, he still felt on edge…Adrian hadn’t paid close enough attention back then. 

‘How are you doing?’ Adrian asked, despite wanting to say a million other things. 

‘Yeah…okay, I guess.’ Deran muttered. ‘Nobody will really tell me what’s going on, and I don’t know what the fuck is happening.’ Deran continued, starting to sound irritated. 

‘Hey, hey.’ Adrian said, quickly sitting in the chair beside Deran’s bed. ‘Nobody is trying to hide stuff from you, it’s just you’ve had a pretty bad accident.’

‘Yeah, I can feel that, jackass.’ Deran snapped, but it was without true heat. He rested back against the pillows and looked at Adrian, eyes slightly narrowed. 

‘What?’ Adrian asked, feeling self-conscious. Deran looked for a moment longer before he huffed another laugh and shook his head, then swore as it hurt. 

‘Nothing.’ Deran said.

‘Deran, I want to help you, but I’m not sure what the doctor wants us to do, right now.’ Adrian pleaded.

‘Screw her.’ Deran muttered. ‘Look, just tell me this one thing, Adrian, just one little thing, please? Just one thing.’ Deran begged.

Adrian chewed the inside of his mouth, heart clenching at how lost Deran sounded. He sighed, scrubbed his hands through his hair and nodded. 

‘What do you want to know?’ He asked, fearing the question. 

‘I…look, I just wanted to know…fuck.’ Deran looked down at his lap again, frustrated. ‘Look, Adrian, I just can’t remember…’

‘What is it, Deran?’ Adrian asked, feeling his chest tighten in a strange mix of hopefulness and anxiety. 

‘Are you…are we-‘ Deran said, just as the door opened. Smurf stood in the doorway, eyes flicking between Adrian and Deran.

‘Deran, baby,’ She said, moving further into the room. ‘I’ve spoken to the doctor, and they think you can be discharged by the end of the week.’ 

‘Okay.’ Deran said, looking at Smurf, tone impassive but Adrian could see his eyes were apprehensive.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran struggles with feeling lost after he comes home from hospital.

By the time Deran was discharged, Adrian had more or less been told, tactfully by the doctors and bluntly by Smurf, to go home. It made Adrian’s stomach twist to see Deran blinking at his, confused, through the glass pane in the door of his hospital room, as Adrian put on his jacket and left. He can’t make Smurf or Deran’s brothers suspicious. He said a simple goodbye, leaving with a promise to visit as soon as possible. 

Adrian left the hospital, looking around for his truck, before realizing he didn’t have it: Craig had picked him up in the middle of the night. Tapping his back pocket, Adrian thanked anyone listening that he had had the sense to bring his wallet. The ensuing bus ride back to Oceanside was anything but pleasant, and Adrian spent the journey trying not to throw up.

Once home, Adrian toed off his shoes automatically, and mechanically started to remove his clothes. They left a trail through the house as Adrian shuffled towards the shower. Adrian felt his vision blur and with a flush of heat rising to his cheeks, he realized he was crying. He turned the dial on the shower until the temperature was almost unbearably hot, before hissing as he moved his body under the spray. Adrian watched as the water turned his skin pink, then verging on red. He made no attempt to wash himself, instead standing motionless as water ran into his eyes and flattened his hair over his forehead. 

When the water started to run tepid, and then verged onto being actually cold, Adrian got out of the shower. He wrapped a towel around his waist and stood in front of the bathroom mirror. His skin was pink, and his eyes were red; Adrian wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed and sleep.

In his bedroom, he pulled on a pair of briefs that were poking out of a drawer and a t shirt he belatedly realized was Deran’s. Adrian sunk into his mattress, pull the duvet tight around himself. The first sob was quiet, and partially muffled by the thick cover, but the second was louder and Adrian felt his chest heave with it. What if Deran hadn’t woken up? What if the collision had happened at a different angle? Would Deran be able to recover his memories? The overwhelming tide of ‘what-if’s, and uncertainties only increased Adrian’s sobbing. He had come so close to losing Deran, and he wasn’t even able to be with him now.

* * *

Across town, Deran also lay awake in bed. Smurf had fussed over him nonstop, making sure he was warm enough and comfortable, checking he had taken all his meds before turning out his light and leaving the door ajar, as if he was a child. Craig had watched his since they got home with undisguised worry, Baz had checked in to see him briefly, Pope had had his usual stoic expression on (that Deran still couldn’t read), and J had merely looked at his warily. 

Fuck. He barely recognized the kid. The hadn’t seen much of Julia after she left, and even less of J when he was born. The only version of his nephew Deran could remember was a nine-year-old, gap-toothed kid who had once hovered in the background when Julia had come over to ask for money. 

Deran looked around his room. His surfing trophies sat at he remembered them, but there were several framed photos he didn’t recognize. The sheets he was swaddled in were not familiar either and despite the dim light in his room, Deran was sure the walls had been repainted a slightly different shade. 

The state of ‘not-knowing’ came with a horrible feeling of vulnerability. Everyone knew what Deran had been doing for the last five years or so, except Deran. He couldn’t even pinpoint what exactly he last thing he remembered was. 

Deran fell asleep listening to the muffle sound of conversation through the walls of the Cody residence: Smurf and Pope, occasionally interrupted by Craig. Baz had of course gone home and J was hidden in his room.

* * *

When Deran awoke the next morning, the sounds of regular life continuing could be heard. Next door was mowing their lawn, and someone was honking their horn down the street. The sound of Smurf’s blender filtered through the slightly opened doorway. Deran swung his legs over the side of his bed groggily and rubbed at his eyes. He looked around for a t-shirt, moving over several ones he didn’t recognize, before picking up a top he knew he‘d had for years; it looked even more threadbare than it had the last time he’d seen it. He struggled with it for several minutes, the sling making the whole thing looks lumpy and stupid, not to mention uncomfortable, before pulling it off again and just deciding to go bare-chested for now. 

When he entered the kitchen, an awkward hush fell over the room. J looked up from whatever he’d been reading (some kind of textbook?), and Craig paused shoveling food into his mouth. Smurf too stopped what she was doing (making pancakes) and leant against the counter top. 

‘Hey, baby.’ She said, before walking over and pulling out a chair at the table. ‘Sit down, I’ll make you some breakfast?’ 

Deran nodded, swearing under his breath as he stubbed his toe on a storage chest that had not been there before. Well, it couldn’ve been there for years for all Deran knew, he supposed. Craig gave him a nod before he continued eating. 

‘So,’ He said, talking with his mouth full. ‘You remember anything yet?’ 

‘No.’ Deran replied self-consciously. ‘How long is it meant to take?’ 

Smurf seemed to pretend not to hear and Craig just shrugged. J remained silent.

* * *

The rest of the day continued in the same way; Deran being prompted by his family or asked questions, only to make a fumbled reply that belied his confusion. Craig showed him several photos from a trip they made a few years ago, and Smurf talked about several of the better jobs Deran had apparently helped with. Pope watched for the most part, silently. 

It was a relief when Smurf was called on business, and J and Pope left to do ‘things’. Deran was still being ‘watched over’ by Craig, but at least Craig was more relaxed. 

Craig leant forward, twisting his hands together, then leant back against the back of the couch sighing. Deran studied his brother’s face; there was a scar he didn’t remember almost hidden by Craig’s hair, and he looked older – not ‘aged’, but he had lost the slightly youthful shiny look he had once had…if anyone could really describe Craid Cody as ‘shiny’. 

‘What is it?’ Deran muttered after they had both sat in silence for a few more minutes. 

‘Fuck it.’ Craig said, standing up and running a hand through his hair. ‘Get up. We’re going for a drive.’ He said shortly, walking up the stairs to the front door without waiting for Deran to respond. 

Deran, now dressed (helped uncomfortably into a loose vest by Smurf), sighed but followed his brother out to a green jeep car that Deran doesn’t remember either. It would probably be good to leave the house for a bit anyway. 

Craig was waiting in the driver’s seat when Deran reached the jeep, he waited until Deran had buckled himself in before he turned up some music obnoxiously loud. By the end of the drive, short though it was, down to the sea-front Deran was starting to get a headache. Craig parked the car and got out. Deran looked around at the strip of beach they were in front of. 

‘Okay? We surf here, right?’ Deran said. Craig nodded. 

‘Yep.’ He said, before walking up a road heading in towards the center of town again. 

‘Where we goin’, Craig?’ Deran called after him, the duel effects of the throbbing pain in his arm and collar bone and the heat making him sweat and long for an air-conditioned café. 

‘You’ll see.’ Craig called, continuing, but slowing his steps so Deran could catch up. 

Thankfully the walk was not far, and Craig and Deran soon stood before ‘Real Surf’ in silence. 

‘A surf shop?’ Deran asked confused. It seemed familiar, but try as he might, he could not pinpoint why. 

‘Not just any surf shop,’ Craig said, almost smugly. ‘It’s Adrian’s shop.’ 

Deran stared dumfounded at the building before him, silent. When they both ‘finished’ school, they’d both bummed around for a couple of years. Deran surfing, usually with Adrian, helping with jobs, without Adrian, and hanging around Oceanside, always with Adrian. 

‘Adrian’s got a shop?’ Deran asked pointlessly. Craig just nodded and motioned to the door. Deran walked towards it wordlessly. When he opened the door a man he didn’t recognize gave him a wary look before he took in Deran’s injuries and his expression became confused. 

‘Adrian didn’t come in today.’ He said bluntly, the suspicious look back on his face. Deran frowned. 

‘You know where he is?’ He asked. 

‘Home, I guess.’ The man replied. ‘I don’t have no message from him.’

‘Right.’ Deran said, turning to look around the room, and through an open door into a workshop in the back. This was Adrian’s. He’d actually done something with his life…what had Deran done? Probably nothing good. 

‘Alright,’ Craig said, putting a gentle hand on Deran’s shoulder. ‘I’ll see you later, dude.’ He said the man who had regarded Deran so coldly. 

They walked back out to the street and Deran followed Craig slightly numbly back to the jeep. 

‘I’ll take you around to Adrian’s.’ Craig said, smiling at his little brother. Deran just nodded and sat back against the hot seats. Everything in his mind connected to Adrian was muddled. His memories seemed frayed; they wasn’t a clear cut point in time that he couldn’t remember after, just fragments that he couldn’t place well. 

The drive to Adrian’s was also short but Deran felt a strange sense of uneasiness growing as they got presumably closer. He didn’t know where he stood with his best friend; the way Adrian had looked at him had made him pause in his own thoughts. It was a kind of softness and a sadness that looked far too tender for Deran to be comfortable with it. Did Adrian know that Deran…that he was…did he? Deran shuddered in his seat. He felt overwhelmed and disorientated, but he needed to talk to Adrian. Now.

When Adrian answered Craig’s knocks, his eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. He cleared his throat quickly before looking between Craig and Deran quickly, then avoiding Deran. 

‘Uh, hey guys.’ Adrian said, voice sounding oddly hoarse. 

‘Hey, dude.’ Craig replied, pushing past Adrian into the house. ‘Thought it might help Deran if you showed him some surfing stuff, or something.’ Craig called over his shoulder before turning around with a crooked grin. ‘Plus, I’m sick of him already.’ 

Deran felt his cheeks flush as Adrian looked between him and Craig without saying anything. Adrian shut the door behind Deran, then left him standing awkwardly in the hall while he stalked over to Craig, who had sauntered into the living room.

* * *

Adrian walked over to Craig and grabbed him, probably more roughly than necessary, by the arm.

‘Should he even be out of bed?’ Adrian hissed, thinking of Deran’s collar-bone and arm, not to mention the actual physical head trauma. 

‘Relax, man.’ Craig said, voice quiet. ‘Look, bro, I know Deran isn’t a big sharer, but I’m not an idiot.’ Adrian felt his stomach drop. He had always wondered if Craig knew something, but had never dared ask Deran.

‘I…I don’t-‘ Adrian began, before Craig cut him off with a hand of his shoulder. 

‘It’s alright, dude.’ Craig said, a half-affectionate smile on his face. ‘Look just make him feel safe. He’s stressed – I can tell – and I’d rather he was away from Smurf’s bullshit for a bit.’ Adrian gaped at Craig before nodding. 

‘Craig? Adrian?’ Came Deran’s voice, still from the hall, sounding very small and alone to Adrian’s ears. 

‘Hey, uh, Deran, bro,’ Craig said, walking over to his younger brother. ‘I need to take something over to Ricky’s, mind if I leave you here for a bit?’ 

‘No…’ Deran said shrugging, before blushing lightly. ‘I mean, if you don’t mind, Adrian?’ Adrian was against stunned speechless; he knew it was down to the disorientation and vulnerability Deran must be feeling, but given that he had on more than one occasion broken into Adrian’s house to fuck, it almost unbelievable. 

‘Sure thing.’ Adrian said, before flushing himself. ‘I meant, no, no – I don’t mind.’ He added with an awkward smile. 

Craig looked between the two with narrowed eyes and a half-crooked smile before nodding. 

‘Alright, see you later, little bro.’ Craig said, before leaving the house, leaving the two men in silence.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran remembers...kind of?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up I feel maybe I've written deran a little ooc here, but given the circumstances it's perhaps less of a crime ;)

Adrian shuffled awkwardly, watching Deran stand in the hall, not knowing what to do. He wanted to do little else but hold Deran tightly and check over his injuries, making sure he wasn’t out of his sight again. But he couldn’t; who knew how Deran would react if Adrian tried to hug him now?

‘Sit down, man.’ Adrian said, before shuffling over to sit on the sofa too. Deran sat down next to him…slightly awkwardly because of his sling and presumably generally sore body, but closer to him than he had been. Adrian felt his eyes begin to burn and cursed internally – he really didn’t need to cry now. 

‘Saw your shop.’ Deran said suddenly, sounding oddly proud in a way Adrian hadn’t heard before. ‘S’cool, dude.’ Adrian said nothing for a moment before he felt his mouth quirk into a smile.

‘I, uh, thanks.’ He said, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles nervously. ‘Yeah business is going well at the moment.’ 

‘How come you weren’t at work?’ Deran asked, sounding so genuinely perplexed that Adrian didn’t know whether he wanted to cry more, or to laugh. 

‘Why wasn’t I at work?’ He repeats incredulously. ‘Deran…you…you could’ve died, man? And I was trying to find stuff that might help you remember-shit.’ Adrian stopped himself, rubbing a hand over his face. 

He hadn’t wanted Deran to know how he had spent nearly every waking moment since he had gotten home researching Deran’s condition, and compiling things that might help him remember. In the middle of his bedroom floor there was a pile of photos, some of his own awards, a t-shirt or two, a pair of shoes Deran had drunkenly decorated in marker pen when they were both still teenagers…it would be too much, and Deran already seemed overwhelmed. But Deran had caught what he was saying and had now shifted closer to him.

‘What stuff?’ He asked, almost desperately. ‘Can I see? Show me.’ Adrian wanted to refuse but the look in Deran’s eyes made him relent. 

‘Okay, follow me.’ He said, getting up and leading the way to the bedroom.

Adrian watched as Deran knelt slowly in front of the pile. He stretched out his good arm and picked up a photo from the mess before him, and Adrian saw a small smile grace his lips. It was a photo from soon after they’d met, Adrian can’t remember who had taken it, but it’s from a morning’s surfing by the looks of it. Deran is standing with his arm around Adrian’s neck, eyes bright and cheeks red from the wind. Adrian is clearly caught mid-laugh because his eyes are shut and his whole face is a little fuzzy as though he was moving. 

‘I remember that.’ Deran breathed, his eyes lingering over the two faces in the photo before he put it down and picked up another. 

This one was from a year or two later. They’re still at the beach but it’s darker, and Adrian and Deran are sitting around a fire pit, Craig half in shot. Deran smiled at this too, nodding to show he remembered, before putting it down. There was a surprising number of photos strewn about Adrian’s floor, but Deran’s eyes seemed fixed upon a photo half tucked under a t-shirt from the Grand Canyon. It’s from Belize (Adrian had left out some of the more ‘intimate’ photos), and Deran is sitting on a patio chair on the balcony of the apartment they rented. Adrian realized, with a flush, that in the photo Deran is wearing a pair of Adrian’s bright blue boxer briefs. ‘Photo Deran’ was smiling a relaxed, one might call it ‘blissed out’ smile, holding a beer in one hand and a joint in the other. 

‘Where’s that from?’ Deran murmured, his voice sounding strange to Adrian’s ears. 

‘Belize.’ Adrian said. ‘We went two years ago.’ Deran turned to look at him, studying in face for a moment before chewing on his lip. 

‘Did Craig come?’ He asked, sounding like he already knew the answer. 

‘No.’ Adrian whispered. 

Adrian watched as Deran’s face twisted into and between several micro-expressions, like he was trying to figure something out but couldn’t quite see the answer. Deran stared at the photo for a moment longer before he turned to Adrian with a vaguely challenging expression. 

‘There any more from Belize?’ He said, jutting his chin out slightly. Adrian looked down, cheeks turning pink, and quickly picked up another Belize snap from the ‘safe pile’ on the floor. 

Deran’s eyes scanned the new photo. This one was of both of them, likely taken by some temporary friend they’d made, and showed them sat on a bench seat in a bar somewhere. They were sitting close, not so close as to arouse suspicion (not that it mattered in Belize) but close enough for…what? Best friends? 

Deran studied the photo for some time, looking almost…disappointed? Adrian couldn’t decipher the look on his face and was about to ask if he was okay when Deran promptly turned to him and grabbed his wrist.

‘Look.’ He said, turning more fully to face Adrian where they were on the floor, and almost overbalancing. He let out a harsh breath and looked away before meeting Adrian’s eyes again. 

The way Deran was acting was so similar to the way he had acted when they first got together, it made Adrian falter in his own train of thought. The stuttered words, the flushed cheeks, the almost aggressive energy despite the nervous movements…it was near identical. Adrian was brought out of his reflection by Deran’s grip on his arm tightening. 

‘I just need to know what’s going on.’ He said, sounding once more like a drowning man. ‘Nobody will tell me anything.’ He said urgently.

‘The doctor said we shouldn’t just tell you, that you should try and remember on your own.’ Adrian forced out, despite the tightening of his throat. 

‘Fuck her.’ Deran said viciously. ‘I can’t deal with everyone fussin’ around and treating me like an idiot!’ Deran finished, eyes angry. 

Adrian sighed; he probably should’ve known Deran would react like this. When Deran felt afraid, or vulnerable, he got angry. He would lash out at you for attempting to help, and raise his hackles should you even try to pry into what was wrong. Now, missing out on near a half decade of memories, and with everyone around him acting in a way he didn’t like, it was no surprise he had reached breaking point so soon. 

‘Deran…’ Adrian began, but trailed off. What was he supposed to say? Was he supposed to tell Deran that the two of them were fucking in secret? That Belize had been an escape for them both? That Deran and his nephew had beaten him up in a public restroom a few weeks ago? That he had been near to stopping whatever it was he had with Deran, and now he had no idea what he was going to do? 

‘Please?’ Deran whispered, face closer to Adrian’s. Too close. ‘What have I done?’ He murmured sounding completely lost. 

Adrian gulped. He had no idea if Deran remembered going to prison. Remembered anything about their escape to Belize. Probably not. Adrian took a shuddering breath. 

‘You’ll remember, Deran.’ Adrian whispered, words coming out shuddery. 

Deran, face still close to Adrian’s own, let his eyelashes flutter closed and he sighed. When he opened them, he swiftly moved back off his knees, as if he had suddenly realized just how close he was to Adrian. Adrian swallowed around the lump in his throat. 

Deran sat back studying Adrian. The more Deran watched him, the harder Adrian found it to maintain his composure. He felt his breathing speed up and the tips of his ears and cheeks began to burn; Adrian stood suddenly, Deran’s eyes following him, and he swayed slightly before looking at Deran.

‘I’m just going to the bathroom.’ He said quickly, before swiveling and making a dash for the bedroom door.

* * *

Once safely locked inside the bathroom, Adrian sat down on the toilet seat and rested his head in his hands. Why was he acting like this? It was Deran who had been in an accident and had lost a near half-decade of his memoires. And what was he doing now? Hiding in his bathroom, while his best friend sat confused and most likely in pain on his bedroom floor. Adrian rubbed his palm over his eyes and got up. He flushed the toilet and looked at his now slightly-pink eyes in the mirror, before he unlocked the door again.

* * *

Deran was sitting where he left him; he had been looking at the photo from Belize again, but looked up as soon as Adrian entered the doorway, mouth slightly parted. Deran’s lips closed and he looked back down. 

‘Want me to call Craig?’ He said quietly, tone dejected. Adrian just blinked at him: why would Adrian want Deran to call Craig? Oh, Adrian thought, feeling a cold wave wash over him, he thinks I want him to leave. Adrian shook his head, unable to answer Deran properly, and sat down next to him on the floor, shuffling so that their shoulders were touching. 

‘No, man.’ He said at last. Deran turned to him with large, unblinking blue eyes, and Adrian felt his resolve crumble. 

‘Adrian,’ Deran mumbled, sounding so unlike his usual self that Adrian felt his last bit of willpower leave.

Knowing it was probably the last thing the doctor would have ever recommended, and in many ways probably the last thing Deran needed in the long run, Adrian granted Deran what he knew he needed right now: comfort. He pressed his lips against Deran’s softly, almost hesitantly, and felt his heart skip a beat until Deran’s own lips moved against his. Adrian deepened the kiss slightly, before he pulled back. Deran’s eyes were still closed and his breathing was shallow. Without opening them, he spoke. 

‘Were we…’ He began, obviously finding the words tricky and he swallowed thickly. ‘I…I mean you and me, we…’ He tried again, finally opening his eyes. Adrian read the same vulnerability he had seen ever since Deran had woken up. 

‘Yes.’ He said quickly. ‘It’s complicated.’ He amended after a moment. 

‘Do they know?’ Deran asked, and God, he sounded so scared, voice almost hoarse with fear. The question was like a double-edged sword; Deran’s raw anxiety makes Adrian’s stomach curl and his heart clench, but the words are also so mocking. Do they know? Of course, they don’t fucking know. 

‘No.’ Adrian replied, instead of saying any of this. 

The Deran looked at him. Really looked. As if he was looking into the depths of Adrian’s soul in search of God knows what. Adrian felt himself break out into goosebumps; he wanted to shiver. 

‘I made you keep it a secret.’ Deran said, and it’s a statement, not a question. When Adrian didn’t reply, Deran hung his head. 

‘Five years.’ He said, and Adrian frowned. 

‘What?’ Adrian asked quietly, sensing Deran’s imminent breakdown. He could see it in his shoulders, the way they were tensed and quivering, like he wanted to cry, but was too angry to. 

‘I know what I’m like.’ Deran said quietly. ‘I just thought…I don’t know, fuck it.’ Deran said, sounding frustrated. 

‘Thought what, Deran?’ Adrian asked softly, although he felt he knew what Deran was trying to say. 

‘Maybe I was different.’ Deran said, barely audible and with cheeks flushed crimson. Adrian said nothing; what could he say? He didn’t want to tell Deran that, if anything, he had gotten worse in their relationship. That his fear of discovery had increased, he was more prone to outbursts, and that his relationship with Smurf, from what Adrian could assume, was worse than ever. 

‘Deran…’ Adrian began but Deran whipped his head up to glare at him, eyes shiny and red. 

‘No. No!’ He said, voice full. ‘Stop. I don’t need you to try and lie about what I’ve done.’ He near shouted. Adrian felt himself flinch and Deran, watching him, seemed to crumble. He sank back against the bedframe and rested his head in good arm, on top of his knees. 

Quiet, heartbreaking sobs filled the room. Deran’s shoulders were drawn up to his jaw and his back heaved as he struggled to breathe through his crying. Adrian paused, unsure whether any intrusion would be welcome at all. He shuffled over to where Deran was, kneeling side on to him. Slowly he wrapped one arm around Deran’s back, resting his hand just over his ribs, and curling the other around Deran’s head, lightly to avoid hurting him. He pulled Deran softly against his chest and felt some of the tension ease from his shoulders as he shifted his own body to fit Adrian’s.

* * *

Adrian wasn’t sure how long they sat hunched together on Adrian’s bedroom floor, but by the time Deran’s sobs had subsided to the odd gulp and mostly even breathing, Adrian had aching knees and a slightly cramped back. He let go of Deran carefully, straightening up, trying to hide his winces, and held out a hand to Deran. He lay Deran’s down on his bed, before lying behind him, wrapping an arm about his waist. He had promised himself he wouldn’t do this; he wouldn’t try to make Deran remember their relationship, and he wouldn’t do anything that might make Deran uncomfortable…but Deran had known. Even if it was only a vague feeling, built of the threads of his memories, Deran had known. Deran twisted his head to look at Adrian, eyes sore and nose red. 

‘Did I hurt you?’ He whispered. Adrian felt his stomach drop. He opened his mouth several times and shut it again.

‘We both hurt each other.’ He replied awkwardly. It was only partially a lie. Sure, it was mostly Deran’s temper and fear that did the damage in their relationship, but Adrian’s fuse had an end too. 

‘I’m sorry.’ Deran said, without truly knowing what he was apologizing for. Adrian nodded and let out a shuddery breath against Deran’s neck. 

‘It’s okay.’ He lied.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran leaves Adrian's and faces the scene at home. 
> 
> Warning : mild descriptions of someone being sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to upload and that it is also a bit shorter than normal - I had a weird amount of trouble writing this for some reason.
> 
>  
> 
> Update 20.10.17: Hey Guys, thank you for people who are still reading and leaving comments - I’m so sorry for the long gap in the chapter updates but I’ve been really sick and haven’t been able to work much on the next one. 
> 
> Thanks again and will hopefully update soon.

Adrian figured at some point they must have both fallen asleep because he woke to the noise of knocking on his front door. Extracting himself from Deran, who appeared unaffected by the disturbance, Adrian walked slowly to the door. 

As expected, when he opened it he was met with Craig, who smiled briefly before glancing behind Adrian. 

‘Deran?’ He said, as if reminding Adrian why he was here. Adrian blinked at the older Cody. 

‘He’s, uh…’ Adrian began. Asleep in my bed? Exhausted from crying? Craig had brought Deran here to be comforted, and Adrian still had no idea if Craig knew. But when he glanced back up at the older man, Adrian felt his resolve crumble. Craig’s eyes were soft (something rarely seen in a Cody), and he was smiling. 

‘Got any coffee?’ He said, slightly pushing past Adrian into his house, ending the awkward silence between them. 

‘Yeah.’ Adrian mumbled to the empty hallway. 

He followed Craig into the kitchen, where the other man was busy searching through his cupboards for some fresh ground coffee. 

‘Top right.’ Adrian supplied, earning himself a nod, before he walked towards his bedroom. Deran would probably appreciate some coffee. 

In his bedroom, Deran remained fast asleep. He was lying on his less injured side, slightly slumped onto his front, with one leg pulled up. His blond hair was greasy and lay splayed across Adrian’s pillow, and Deran’s cheek. Adrian crouched in front of Deran and rested a hand lightly on his shoulder. 

‘Deran.’ He murmured, before repeating himself a bit louder. ‘Deran.’ Deran’s eyelashes fluttered and he blinked several times before his eyes focused on Adrian. 

‘Adrian?’ He mumbled, voice a little rough. 

‘Hey, man.’ Adrian said, smiling softly before he could stop himself. ‘You were completely out of it.’ He said as Deran sat up. 

‘What? Oh right, yeah.’ Deran said. ‘They said the meds might mess with my sleep a bit.’ 

‘Craig’s here.’ Adrian said, after a pause, holding himself as he waited for Deran’s reaction. 

Deran’s cheeks flushed slightly pink and he got up from the mattress slowly. He tucked his hair behind his ear and nodded. 

‘Oh, right.’ He said awkwardly. ‘I’ll be out a minute.’ 

Adrian nodded and went back to the kitchen, where Craig was just pouring three cups of freshly brewed coffee. 

‘Just in the bathroom.’ Adrian said, not meeting Craig’s eyes. The latter nodded, ignoring the lie and handed Adrian one of the mugs. 

‘Yeah, sorry,’ He said, before gulping noisily. ‘Smurf called – she’s a bit pissed.’ Craig said with a rueful smile. 

‘Ah.’ Adrian said, raising his eyebrows and thanking his stars he wasn’t Craig at this moment. 

Deran appeared a moment later from ‘the bathroom’ and accepted the coffee that was offered to him. He looked out of Adrian’s window after nodding at Craig. 

‘You okay, little bro?’ Craig asked, voice affectionate. 

‘Yeah..’m just tired.’ Deran said, sipping his drink. 

‘Yeah, well,’ Craig said. ‘Smurf wants you home anyway.’ He said. Adrian watched as Deran’s neutral expression became almost imperceptibly strained. 

‘Oh, okay.’ He mumbled, draining his coffee quickly, depositing the mug in the sink as if he didn’t want to be there any longer. ‘We should go then.’ 

‘Yeah, probably. See you, Adrian.’ Craig said, giving Adrian a quizzical look, before following Deran, who had left without saying goodbye. 

‘See you.’ Adrian said, as the door shut on the Cody brothers.

* * *

Later that evening, after Adrian had drank a rather significant quantity of the whisky in the bottle from his cabinet, he went back into his bedroom, to order the pile on the floor. He folded the t-shirts first, then put the knick-knacks in a pile, and finally collected the photographs. Adrian frowned and looked through the stack he had made again: the photo from the bar in Belize was gone.

* * *

Deran spent the remainder of the day being coddled by Smurf. In some kind of sick mirror of Adrian, she too had laid out photos and knick-knacks to try and jog his memory. 

Deran looked over countless photos of himself and Craig at the beach, photos of all the brothers in the pool, pictures from birthday parties and Christmas, but nothing from the last five years jogged any memories. 

At around nine o’clock, Deran begged a headache and retreated into his childhood bedroom, drawing the curtains tightly closed and shutting the door; it would make the room stuffy but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

Deran’s mind drifted to Adrian. Even if he didn’t remember their relationship he knew how he felt. Much as he did remember how he tried to deny what he wanted, he could remember what was going through his mind before they started any kind of relationship. The fear that this was what he wanted, the worry that someone would find out…they weren’t pleasant memories. 

Adrian had never been closeted. Sure, at school he hadn’t exactly shouted out his sexuality, but he had never tried to date girls. He openly went on dates with guys, who Deran always found some problem with, and never once tried to pretend he was something that he wasn’t. 

The years after Deran realized he wanted Adrian, needed Adrian, but before they had any kind of intimate relationship were the years he could remember. They were filled with a mix of seemingly easy friendship, but a lurking undercurrent of jealousy Deran tried to hide as best he could. He wondered if Adrian knew…probably – Adrian always seemed to know Deran better than he did himself. 

Deran cursed quietly into the darkened room. How badly had he fucked up? Smurf either didn’t know or wasn’t going to tell him. He doubted any of his brothers would…and Adrian? From the hurt look on Adrian’s face Deran had done more than enough damage there, and nagging him for answers he wasn’t supposed to give probably wouldn’t help matters.

* * *

Deran woke the next morning with a headache. He blinked his eyes open slowly before wincing at the dim light filtering though his curtains. Deran stood up, probably too quickly, and felt himself sway on his feet as his vision blacked out. 

‘Fuck.’ He swore, as his sight returned in spots. 

Deran made his way through the house, and instead of walking to the kitchen, found himself outside of Craig’s room. Both Craig and Pope had decided to stay at the house for the meantime. 

‘Craig?’ Deran called quietly, his breath. Receiving no answer, Deran pushed open the door and tiptoed into the bedroom. His older brother lay naked and only half-covered by the duvet. Deran wrinkled his nose and tried to avert his eyes as much as possible as he made his way over to his brother’s side.

‘Craig.’ He said again, louder and with a shake to the other man’s shoulder. 

‘What?’ Craig muttered, rolling over and trying to push Deran’s arm off of him.

‘Craig, I need you to take me somewhere.’ Deran tried, letting his arm drop back to his side. 

‘Deran?’ Craig murmured, sounding surprised and squinting at his younger brother. ‘You okay?’

‘What? Yeah I’m fine.’ Deran said quickly. ‘Look, can you take me to the beach?’

‘The beach?’ Craig asked incredulously. ‘You can’t exactly go surfing right now, baby bro.’ He added, sitting up in bed and repositioning the cover over himself. 

Deran was about to reply when a voice sounded through the house: Smurf. 

‘Deran? Baby?’

Deran threw Craig a pleading look before walking back out into the hallway. 

‘Yeah, ‘m here, Ma.’ Deran called. 

‘Come to the kitchen,’ Smurf called, followed by the sound of pans banging. ‘I’ll make you breakfast…and you need to take your meds, sweetheart.’ Deran sighed and gave Craig one last look before he trudged to the kitchen. 

Smurf was still in her pajamas and stood at the stove preparing pancakes on the hob. She turned and gave Deran and smile before gesturing to the breakfast bar where an empty plate sat. Next to it was a small bowl containing Deran’s meds. 

‘You take those, baby.’ Smurf said, coming over to grab Deran’s plate. ‘Breakfast is almost ready.’ 

Deran nodded and forced the pills down dry instead of getting a glass of water. He sat down and watched silently as Smurf presented him with a syrup covered stack of pancakes. The sickly-sweet smell made his stomach turn.

‘Thanks.’ He muttered before making a half-hearted attempt to eat the pancakes. 

The food tasted funny in this mouth, and his tongue curled under it. Deran covered his mouth trying to repress a retch. Smurf, alerted by the noise, turned and fixed Deran with a worried look. 

‘Baby?’ She said, coming over to Deran’s side and rubbing a hand over his good shoulder. ‘You okay, baby?’ 

‘Yeah, I ugh…’ Deran began before his felt his stomach roll again. Forcing down the mouthful that was attempting to come up again back down, Deran wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and stood up. 

‘Baby?’ Smurf asked, taking Deran’s face in her hands. 

‘Yeah, sorry, I don’t…uh, I don’t feel too great.’ Deran mumbled, stumbling backwards and walking quickly to the bathroom. 

Once safely locked inside the bathroom, Deran hunched over the toilet and brought up the small amount of food he had swallowed mixed with bile. Wiping saliva from his lips with toilet paper, Deran rested back against the bathroom wall. 

‘Deran?’ Craig’s voice came through the door. ‘Deran? You okay, man?’ 

Craig’s feet shuffled outside the door and there was indistinct muttering. 

‘Hey, Deran.’ Pope’s voice came through. ‘I need you to tell us you’re okay.’

‘Deran.’ Craig’s voice again. ‘The doctor said we can’t let you lock yourself in a room because of your head injury. If you fell or something it would be really bad.’ Craig continued, sounding half-worried and half-irritated. 

‘Okay, okay.’ Deran said, breathing hard. He reached up with his good arm and slid the bold back across the door. 

It was Pope who opened the door first and came around to crouch in front of Deran. He studied Deran’s face in silence before grabbing a glass from the washstand and filling it. 

‘Little sips.’ He said, passing it to Deran. 

Craig stood awkwardly in the doorway and watched as Pope flushed the toilet and took Deran’s glass when he was done. Deran leant back against the cool bathroom tile and shut his eyes.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More angst basically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, so I wrote a note on my last chapter a few days ago, but if you didn't see it it basically said I'm really sorry for the massive gap between chapters - I've been really sick and haven't been able to write much. 
> 
> Much love to all of you still reading <3

Adrian didn’t see Deran for two months. He drove past and stopped outside the Cody residence more times than he could count. He spent more time looking for Deran at their usual surf spots, the diner they went to, and the beach, than he did at work. He received no word from Deran himself, or Craig, nothing from Pope either, though he didn’t expect anything from the latter. 

Adrian’s coworkers notice his skittish behavior, and for the most part they chalked it up to general worry about Deran’s accident. But Mark gave him increasingly worried looks as the days passed, watching him as he paced in front of the shop door, or when he made excuses to leave earlier than usual. He cornered him one afternoon in the back of the shop, shutting the door to Adrian’s workroom behind him. 

‘Adrian.’ He said, clasping his hands in front of him, waiting for Adrian to set down his tools and take his dust mask off. ‘Look, man, I don’t want to be that guy, but whatever you’re doing at the moment sure ain’t healthy.’

‘Mark, I-‘ Adrian began, only for the other man to hold up his hand. 

‘I don’t know what your relationship with Deran is, don’t want to know really, but this erratic thing you’ve got going on…this driving around the town at crazy hours and barely eating ain’t gonna work. Come on, Adrian, man.’ 

Adrian hung his head and sighed tiredly. He was exhausted. He wanted nothing more to go home and curl up in bed…with Deran wrapped in his arms in front of him. He wanted the accident to never have happened. And what did it mean that Deran was avoiding him, now that he had at least partly remembered their past?

‘Yeah.’ He said finally, looking Mark in the eye. ‘Yeah, I get it.’ 

‘You sure?’ Mark said, raising an eyebrow. ‘Because I’ve-‘ Mark was interrupted by the door to the workshop banging open and hitting the wall. 

Craig stood in the doorway, eyes wild with his mobile in his hand. He glanced between Mark and Adrian before focusing on Adrian firmly. 

‘Adrian.’ He said, pressing his lips in a fine line. ‘I need to talk to you.’ He said, grabbing Adrian by the sleeve of his jumper and dragging him out through the shop towards the Cody boys’ beloved Scout. 

‘Hey! Craig? What the hell man?’ Adrian said, trying to twist out of Craig’s grip until the taller span around and grabbed Adrian by both shoulders. 

‘Deran’s gone again!’ Craig yelled. ‘Don’t you get it? I was meant to be looking after him and he’s fucking vanished.’ Adrian felt his stomach drop. 

‘What the fuck, Craig?’ Adrian yelled, swearing under his breath. 

‘I know, man, don’t you think I fucking know?’ Craig yelled, nostrils flaring. ‘It’s just…after last time, you know…’ Craig trailed off, sounding nothing like the carefree man Adrian had grown to know. He sounded almost…scared?

Adrian glared at Craig for a moment longer before storming over to the Scout and getting in the passenger side. 

Craig got in after letting out his own stream of expletives. He sat in the driver’s seat and looking straight ahead. Adrian turned to look at him expectantly. 

‘Well?’ He said, throwing his hands up. Craig turned to look at him incredulously. 

‘Well what?! Huh?’ Craig replied, stilling near yelling. ‘Don’t look at me – I don’t know where he is.’ 

‘He’s your brother!’ Adrian shouted, feeling his face turning pink. 

‘I know. Don’t you think I know that?’ Craig replied, anger mingled with guilt. ‘Look, Adrian…you probably know my brother better than I do at this point.’ He said, voice suddenly muted. Adrian feels his angry flush turn red. 

‘Really? Because I haven’t heard from him in two months!’ He spat, crossing his arms and staring determinedly out of the passenger window. 

‘Adrian? Come on, man.’ Craig said, sounding pleading now. ‘Do you know anywhere he might’ve gone? Somewhere you guys went together? Or somewhere from when he was a kid? I just don’t want him to be alone…’ 

Adrian slumped in his seat. Hadn’t he been everywhere he could of thought of? Suddenly a memory flicked in Adrian’s mind. He’s nineteen and drunk, and Deran…Deran’s…

‘Go to the pier.’ Adrian said, buckling his seatbelt quickly as Craig puts the Scout in gear and the car screeches away from Adrian’s shop.

* * *

The drive is mercifully short and they reached the sea front near the pier in under ten minutes. Adrian jumped out of the Scout before Craig even properly had time to park it. He scrambled down over the wall onto the sand and take off sprinting towards the dark shadows underneath the pier. Adrian was unsure whether Craig was following him but in that moment he didn’t care; his eyes were fixed upon a figure standing into the surf, water up to their knees.

Deran was standing and staring out towards the speck of the sea visible through the legs at the end of the far pier. The bottom of his shorts were wet, water climbing up the material with each lap of the waves, and Adrian could see the good bumps on his arms where they stuck out of his t-shirt sleeves. He looked lost. And so young. He looked exactly the way Adrian remembered.

* * *

Adrian’s nineteen when he kisses Deran for the first time. They’ve been at a beach partly, and the majority of the party-goers have made the walk back to each others houses to sleep off the alcohol or to hook up. But not Deran; he had made his was meanderingly through the surf until he was completely hidden in the darkness under the pier. 

Adrian had wandered over to join him, meaning to tell him that everyone else had gone home and that they should probably head back too. Deran was standing between two pillars of the pier, staring out to see.\

‘What are you staring at?’ Adrian said, standing slightly off to the left and behind Deran. Deran didn’t turn but instead beckoned him to come next to him with a flick of two fingers on his left hand. 

Half-amused and half-curious, Adrian made his way through the water quietly, the cold water sharpening his mind. Deran tugged on Adrian’s sleeve until he was pressed tight against Deran’s side, and then Deran nodded outwards. Adrian peered out at the sea between the final pillars of the pier, bending his knees slightly so that he had the same eye-line as Deran.

The moon was low. It hung just below the top of the pier, encased by the pier legs on the sides and the sea at the bottom. 

‘Looks like a telescope…a kaleidoscope…’ Deran half-slurred, mixing his words. Adrian looked again and to his slightly distorted vision, the moon and the sea below it did appear to shift and slide. 

Adrian peered at his friend. Deran’s expression was indecipherable. But perhaps that was when Adrian first realized it; for all Deran’s bravado and showmanship, for all his boisterous games and adrenaline fueled trips, he was barely more than a boy really. Deran looked up slightly to meet Adrian’s gaze and quirked his eyebrow quizzically. 

His lips parted as he was about to speak, and Adrian, in an odd way wanting to preserve the moment in silence, made his decision. He swiftly took Deran’s chin in his hand and pressed his own lips against his friend’s. 

Maybe it was the booze, maybe the weed, or maybe even his own desire, but Deran didn’t break away at first. He let himself be kissed softly, and then more firmly, and then he returned the kiss. 

The sound of a car backfiring in a nearby street was enough to break the spell and Deran’s pushed away. Adrian braced himself, waiting for a punch or to be shoved backwards…but it never came. Adrian opened his eyes to find Deran staring at him looking more scared than Adrian thought he’d ever seen him look. 

He was about to speak when Deran suddenly turned and sprinted back up the beach, leaving Adrian alone under the pier.

* * *

Looking at him now, Adrian was filled with a heart-wrenching nostalgia. At the noise of Adrian splashing through the surf, Deran’s head turned. His eyes were rimmed red and puffy. Adrian wanted to gather the younger man up in his arms and to hold him until he felt he had no more cause to cry, but he knew Deran would not appreciate that. Instead Adrian moved to stand next to Deran, as he had done those years before, with their shoulders pressed together and their hands almost brushing. 

Only the sea could be seen through the square at the end of the pier now, but the sun reflected off the water with an almost similar quality. Deran gave a shuddered breath sniffed.

‘Adrian?’ He whispered, keeping his eyes fixed on the sea. 

‘Yeah?’ Adrian replied, equally as quietly, whilst keeping his gaze on the ocean too. 

‘Adrian…’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’ Deran said, voice breaking on his second apology. Adrian felt his own eyes begin to sting; he had wanted Deran to stop the hiding, and the violence, and to mean it when he apologized…he’d just never imagined it would be like this. 

‘Do you…remember then?’ Adrian dared to ask. 

‘Enough.’ Was the heartbroken reply. 

They stayed like that until the water, with the tide coming in, began to lap at their mid-thighs. When Adrian began to shiver it was Deran who nudged his arm and started walking back up the beach. Deran nodded his head at Craig and got into the passenger seat of the scout without saying a word. Craig gave his brother a gentle shove laced with affection and then turned to rest a hand on Adrian’s shoulders. He said nothing, but his eyes held the gratitude Adrian knew he felt.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran and Adrian 'talk'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii.....again no better excuse than I've been really sick and it's been hard to write and post for a while. I'm sorry this update is again so so late. 
> 
> I think there will only be one more chapter after this so we're nearly there! 
> 
> Thanks for those who have stuck with it!

It was only after Craig left that Adrian realized he now had lost his ride back to the shop. He scuffed the toe of one shoe against the sidewalk, considering calling Mark or whoever was in today, but quickly decided against it. It would only lead to more questions Adrian didn’t want to deal with today.

Making his decision, Adrian sent a quick text to Mark to let him know he wouldn’t be in until tomorrow, before starting the walk home. He replayed the last couple of hours over in his mind as he walked, Deran’s distraught face flashing before him with every play-through. He had wanted for Deran to stop and realize what he was doing for months…years even, but he had never wanted the wake up call to come like this…

Adrian sighed and rubbed a hand over his suddenly tired eyes. He was exhausted, he needed sleep. He needed to sleep when he got in the door and not wake up until just before he needed to leave tomorrow. 

What was going to happen now?

Was Deran going to break all ties with him?

Was he going to try and ‘fix’ things?

Adrian didn’t know.

* * *

Deran was silent in the car on the way home, and Craig kept sneaking glances at his baby brother. He stole looks at the redness in his eyes and the way his lips had become puffy like they had always done when he cried as a child. Deran was bouncing his knee agitatedly, as if Craig’s driving wasn’t fast enough for him. 

‘Yo, quit it, man.’ Craig said good humoredly, trying to lighten the heavy mood of the car somewhat. Deran glanced at him but didn’t reply. His knee continued bouncing. 

‘Whatever, man.’ Craig said shaking his head and slowing the car to pull it into the driveway. ‘I’ll take you to Adrian’s tomorrow evening.’ He added, giving Deran a smile. 

‘Whatever.’ Deran mumbled, mimicking Craig. Craig could see the corners of Deran’s mouth fight a smile however, and his knee stopped bouncing. 

Smurf was waiting for them both in the kitchen. She was stood with her arms folded over her chest and her lips pressed into a tight, flat line. Upon seeing Deran she walked towards him and wordlessly enfolded him in her arms. Craig watched as Deran’s shoulders tensed in her grip and he fought to pull away. It would do him no favors to upset Smurf now. Smurf pulled back and ran her hands over Deran’s hair, before stroking both her thumbs underneath his eyes. 

‘Baby.’ She said softly, before leading him towards the couch. Craig felt himself squirm slightly as she settled at one end, half-positioning Deran so that he was leant against her shoulder. She murmured inaudible words to him as she resumed stroking his hair. Craig sighed and turned to retreat towards his room. He could look after Deran as best as he was able outside the Cody house, but even he wasn’t able to separate his baby brother from Smurf. 

Craig shut himself inside his room, unchanged since he late teens, and rubbed a hand over his face. He needed a fix. The business with Deran and Adrian, Smurf’s interference, Pope’s behavior in general…it was too much right not. Rooting around in his bedside draw he found a small plastic baggie still containing a small number of pills. Thanking his luck, Craig popped two into his mouth before sinking back against the cushions on his bed.

* * *

By the time Adrian returned home the next day, he was tired again, and frustrated. After not having heard from or having seen Deran for months, their meeting yesterday had been overwhelming, but Adrian could see how easily their relationship might return to the awkward silence/non-contact they had had before. 

When a knock sounded on his door at a little past eight, Adrian frowned, but couldn’t ignore the tugging sensation in his chest. He almost tripped over the coffee table in his haste to get to the door and opened it almost breathlessly. Deran stood outside, wearing one of Adrian’s hoodies that he had been searching for a while. The tail-lights of Craig’s truck were disappearing down the street. 

Deran looked behind him at the vanishing truck and cringed slightly before turning back towards Adrian. 

‘Can I come in?’ He asked, sounding almost scared.

‘Yes…of course, come in.’ Adrian replied, stumbling over his words before stepping aside to let Deran enter. Deran brushed past him and made his way towards the couch. Adrian followed, slightly in a daze. 

When Adrian was stood behind him Deran turned and stepped closer. He was so close Adrian could feel his breath of his lips. Adrian let out a shuddering sigh and closed his eyes. The ball was in Deran’s court. After some moments of silence and no movement, Adrian was about to open his eyes again, feeling foolish, but then his lips were captured in a soft press and two urgent hands came up to clasp his face. Deran’s cast scratched Adrian’s cheek, grounding him somewhat. 

Adrian opened his eyes as they drew apart and found Deran looking at him anxiously. He looked down at the floor and worried his lip between his teeth. 

‘Is this okay?’ He asked, keeping his eyes on the coffee table. ‘Like, us…doing this?’ He added in a mumble. 

‘Yes.’ Adrian answered, perhaps too quickly. Maybe it wasn’t okay. Adrian didn’t know. But he knew that he wanted to touch Deran and to be touched. It had been only just over two months since they had touched each other properly, but it felt like years. Adrian almost felt as though his entire body had quivering.

Deran reached forward again, pushing the fingers of his uninjured arm through Adrian’s hair. The forefinger of his other hand traced over Adrian’s nose and across his cheek. His lips were pressed together and twitched ever so often, like he was stopping himself from saying something. 

‘Deran…’ Adrian breathed, closing his eyes as the hand in his hair tugged slightly. 

A tug at his belt made Adrian open his eyes and he looked down to find Deran kneeling on the floor struggling to undo his jeans with only one fully functioning hand. The nagging voice in his head came back: was Deran even fit to do this? The voice was cut off, however, when Deran palmed his through his boxers. 

‘Sit on the couch.’ Deran said gruffly, remembering Adrian’s tendency to get weak knees whenever Deran went down on him. 

Adrian let himself be manhandled until he was sprawled with his legs apart, Deran kneeling eagerly between them. Deran tugged at his boxers until they were trapped slightly uncomfortably under Adrian’s balls, before engulfing his cock in a wet heat. Adrian gave a smothered groan and resisted the urge to buck his hips up. 

The sight of Deran bobbing his head between Adrian’s legs made his entire body feel like it was on fire. He needed to touch him.

Though he mourned the loss of Deran’s mouth, Adrian pulled Deran up to straddle his lap, capturing his mouth in a biting kiss. He reached his own hand between Deran’s legs, through his shorts, and stroked his hardness. Deran grunted and fucked upwards into his hand. 

‘Adrian.’ He grunted. 

‘Bedroom.’ Adrian gasped, when Deran reached for him again. Deran reluctantly got up and tugged Adrian after him. On the way to Adrian’s bedroom, Adrian shucked out of his shorts and readjusted his boxers. 

Once in his bedroom, Adrian flicked on the bedside light, casting a warm glow over the room. Deran turned around and Adrian saw him restlessly running his thumb over the inside seam at the bottom of his t-shirt. Stepping forward, Adrian clasped Deran’s hand in his, kissing it before he could stop himself. Deran seemed so stunned he didn’t pull away, and only stood wordlessly as Adrian gently undressed him, leaving him standing on boxers. 

‘Adrian.’ Deran croaked, when Adrian had taken off his own t-shirt. ‘Please…I need-’ His words were cut off by his breath hitching and Adrian saw Deran’s cheeks begin to flame. He chest clenched and he stepped forward, capturing Deran’s lips with his own. 

‘Deran.’ Adrian said, preparing himself for what he was about to say. Deran needed to hear it. 

‘Adrian?’ Deran whispered, eyes fixed to the floor. 

‘I…Iloveyou.’ Adrian rushed out, pressing his forehead again his lover’s. There was silence for a second and Adrian held his breath, waiting for Deran to push him away.

‘Yes.’ Was the answer that came. Adrian jerked his head back to look at Deran and found those bright blue eyes gazing back at him. Deran looked like he was struggling, opening his mouth and shutting it again. ‘Me too.’ He said before cursing and shutting his eyes. ‘That’s not what I meant, I-‘

Adrian cut him off by pressing kisses over Deran’s lips and eyelids. He huffed out the breath he’d been holding. 

‘I know what you meant.’


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An ending and a small epilogue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry the ending of this dragged out so much but I've been sick :( Will hopefully get back into writing more now...:))

When Adrian woke up the next morning, Deran was wrapped in his arms, both still naked and warm. Deran shifted quietly and pressed his face deeper into the pillow. Adrian lay in silence, just appreciating the warmth of the body next to him, before he heard his phone vibrating on the bedside table. 

The screen showed Craig’s name, and Adrian accepted the call with only slight hesitation. 

‘Hello?’ He murmured, hoping the other man wouldn’t yell down the phone as he had occasionally done in the past. 

‘Adrian?’ Craig said, not that quietly but not loud enough to wake Deran. 

‘Hey, man.’ Adrian replies, tilting his head away from Deran. 

‘Hey, dude, is Deran still with you?’ Craig asked, worry just perceptible in his voice. 

‘Yes.’ Adrian answered after a pause. There was a beat of silence before Craig answered. 

‘Oh…oh!’ He said.

‘Is Smurf kicking up a fit?’ Adrian asked, running a hand lightly down Deran’s chest. 

‘A bit.’ 

Adrian heard Craig huff and laugh before the other man cleared his throat and spoke again. 

‘Just let me know he’s okay, yeah?’ 

‘He’s okay.’ Adrian hummed. Maybe Deran is, maybe he isn’t. The soft huffs of breath from beside him gave little away. But a relaxed, contented expression rested upon the man’s face and his brow was free from creases. 

‘He’s okay.’ Adrian repeated, probably more to himself than to Craig, who had fallen silent on the other end of the line. 

Neither Craig nor Adrian said a word, and it was near a minute later when Adrian heard his phone beeping to signal the call has been ended. Adrian turned his phone off completely and set it on the bedside table. 

Curling an arm back around his lover, Adrian sighed and sunk into the warm covers that cocooned them both. They had time to talk later; all the time in the world stretched before them to talk about what had been done and what had been said. But in that moment, Adrian wished only to soak in the feeling of being warm and safe, body intertwined with the man he loved.

* * *

Six months later, and Deran was still waking up in Adrian’s bed. His flat, or rather Smurf’s, sat quiet and deserted, the surfaces gathering dust. Adrian’s closet held two sets of clothes, worn both by the two men in the house. 

It took time but Adrian started taking back control and responsibility at the shop; he had been hesitant to leave Deran alone at first, but once the casts were all off and he had healed, the other man had run to the waves. 

Adrian had found out, slightly dissapointedly, that Deran was still working the odd job with his brothers, though he was assured none were organized by Smurf. Upon Adrian’s insistence, however, he had grudgingly taken up one of his friend’s offers to hire him as a surf instructor down on the main beach. 

Now, when Adrian left the shop, covered in dust and with aching hands, he found Deran waiting for him with the Scout, their boards in the back and Deran’s hair still smelling of salt. They usually drove straight home, showered together, re-showered and ate, before falling asleep wrapped together on the sofa. Adrian liked going home together. He enjoyed the presence of another in his house, and the way that he always knew even if Deran was running late he would always arrive to take Adrian home.

* * *

One evening, Adrian emerged to find Deran sitting on the back of the Scout with his head turned away from the shop and focused on the bay slightly below them, instead of lounging in the driver’s seat as per usual. Adrian could barely see him; the sun was near setting over the waves, giving Adrian only a silhouette. He screwed up his eyes against the soft glare.

Forgoing calling out, Adrian walked towards his lover, sitting down beside him on the open tail. Deran didn’t turn his head but leaned into the body next to him, appearing to breathe in Adrian’s smell and letting his right-hand bridge the gap between them as he found Adrian’s. 

‘Hey.’ Derab whispered instead. He let Adrian trace his knuckled idly as the two squinted against the setting sun. It was warm against both their faces without being burning, Adrian enjoyed the feeling. 

‘Hey.’ Adrian replied, wrapping his fingers more firmly around Deran’s hand.

‘Can we go?’ Deran asked, still not looking at Adrian. His eyes scanned the bay, the remaining surfers on the water, the cars leaving the waterfront, the people walking the pier…just watching.

Go where?’ Adrian asked, careful to make his tone inquisitive instead of questioning. 

There was a pause before Deran replied, and when he did it was said so quietly that Adrian almost missed it completely. 

‘Anywhere.’ Deran murmured. Adrian said nothing at first but squeezed his fingers all the more tightly. He wondered, half-hopefully, in Deran meant Belize, but at the same time felt his stomach twist at the memory of all that had happened since their last visit. 

Adrian turned his head to study Deran instead of the bay. The man’s eyes had fluttered closed, and his blond-flecked eyelashes fanned out upon his cheeks, eyes slightly squinting still even when closed, creating little creases beneath and beside them. His tanned skin was speckled with barely visible freckles. Adrian could see where the cold salt-water had chapped his lips.

‘Anywhere.’ He agreed, pressing a kiss to Deran’s knuckles.


End file.
